What if:
by Flagarach
Summary: The Einzbern summoned a Gap Demon instead of All the Evils in the World during the third holy grail war? Follow the fifth grail war, now with a Gensokyan servant cast! All rights of the characters go to ZUN and Nasu.
1. A serious non-serious summoning

The Holy Grail war. A war, in which 7 heroes from the past, present and future (but mostly from the past) are summoned, put to fight one another, all for a single wish granting object.

However, this all changed in the third grail war, when the Einzbern, instead of the normal hero-type servant, tried to summon the legendary demon of gaps. This led to the corruption of the grail, and its results would be shown in 70 years…

**[January 3****rd****, ?,? POV]**

Heh. I did it. When these marks appeared on me, I thought that I was so drunk, I was imagining things. However, what these books told me was no joke. To think that there exists something like a great wish-granting device! And now, this person standing before me, she will say the beginning of my great victory:

"I have been summoned as the servant Caster. So, are you're my master?"

Alright! Let grab that victory!

**[January 11****th****, Somewhere in Germany, Illya POV]**

I don't know if I should be happy, or sad. When I tried to summon my servant, Berserker, I tried to summon the strongest servant, Hercules. Instead… I got some drunk little girl monster… Hmph! That Grail is a big, big meanie…

So, I decided to test this drunk Berserker out. The results? It was a HUGE success! All Berserker should have done was kill a pack of abominations summoned by the side branches of my family. In the end, it COMPLETELY destroyed the forest, and all that is left is a crater…

Now, let's go to Fuyuki. I am going to have some fun playing with onii-san!..

**[January 24****th****, Somewhere in Fuyuki, Bazett POV]**

I couldn't believe it! I tried so, SO hard to summon the person I adore, Cú Chulainn, and save him from his terrible fate. After being allowed to become a master, I spend hunderds of hours to get my hands on a piece of the spear Gae Bolg, endured great pains to complete the summoning, and in the end… I summoned a girl with bat wings as my servant lancer.

"Why the HELL did I NOT summon CÚ CHULAINN when I prepared a piece of GAE BOLG as my artifact!" This girl walked over to my artifact, examined it, and said:

"Actually… this never was part of Gae Bolg." and she summons her spear. "It's a part of my spear, Gungnir."

Wait, what?!

"But hey, don't worry: it was never your fate to summon him." she added with a mischievous smile.

…

FFFFFFFFF-

**[January 25****th****, Kotomine Church , Bazett POV]**

After an INCREDIBLY disappointing day, I went to the mediator of this grail war to talk to him. Now, in the inner part of the church, Kotomine, Lancer and I were talking about what I had to do now, even when I failed to summon my hero.

What he said then couldn't bring me greater joy. "Bazett, there is still a chance to summon Cu Chulainn."

I am exhilarated. I will grasp any possibility to summon him! All that is left is "How?!"

"At the current moment, three servants have been summoned. Would your mastership of your current servant be gone, and there would still be servants to summon, then it is possible to summon a new servant, and in this case Cú Chulainn. Would you like that?"

"Obviously!" I cannot believe it! I was given another chance to summon who I adore! "What are we going to do?"

"I will transfer the mastership of your servant to me, and distribute it to someone I recognize as a master but is unable to summon his servant. To do this, I need to use my abilities as the mediator to transfer the command seals. Now, give me your left hand, Bazett…"

**[January 26****th****, Basement of the Matou residence, Zouken POV] (BTW, Bazett died)**

One should never mess with the grail.

Rules are made for a reason.

If one breaks the rules, problems will appear.

The Einzbern tried to summon a demon in the third war, and were the first to be defeated.

Now I tried to summon a class greater than Saber,

But I ended lower then Assassin.

"You don't need ta worry, guys, 'cuz eye'm da strongest!"

"How the F*CK did I get this?"

…

Oh well, I could always give this to Shinji while I try to summon a better servant.

**[January 26****th****, Not the basement of the Matou residence, ? POV]**

One servant less to be summoned. Here she stood, my throw at a wish for endless wealth. Servant Rider, at my service.

"Rider, let's go. Or do you have anything to say?"

Rider stood there, properly adjusting her miko outfit. "Well, I could always use some donations…"

"No."

"Aww."

**[January 26****th****, Kotomine church, Observer POV]**

Once again, a three man discussion was going on in the church, but the now dead Bazett was replaced by the golden Archer.

"So, Lancer, now that I explained about Gilgamesh, could you explain who you are?"

And Lancer explained: Remilia Scarlet, the 22nd Dead Apostle Ancestor, who left Earth, and went to a world with magic like the age of gods.

Kotomine was surprised with this development. As far as he knew, it should be very unlikely for a Dead Apostle to be summoned (but it did explain why the spear Gungnir disappeared from earth). "So, what can you do?"

"Well, look down below:"

* * *

**Servant stats:  
**Servant: Lancer  
Master: Kirei Kotomine  
True Name: Remilia Scarlet  
Alignment: Neutral Evil

**Parameters:**  
Strength: A  
Endurance: D  
Agility: B  
Mana: C  
Luck: A+ (C)  
N. Phantasm: B

**Class skills:  
**Dying: D  
Magic resistance: D

**Personal skills:  
**Danmaku magecraft: A+  
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. Those of this level have a variety of spellcards in the double digits.  
Fate alteration: C  
The ability to alter fate. In this state, it can only be done subconsciously, but it still gives an increase in luck.**  
**Flight: A+  
Like all Gensokyan Residents, she has the ability to fly.  
Fourth Wall Breaker: C  
If necessary, she will break the fourth wall. I need someone to talk to as the creator of this story...  
Grazing: B  
The ability to barely dodge attacks. Works less great against undodgeable attacks. Does work against bombs... somehow...**  
**Regeneration: A-  
As long as she has enough prana and at least a part of her survives, she can completely regenerate.

**Noble Phantasms:**

_**Gungnir: The Declaration of the Elder God**_**:** B  
The reason Remilia was summoned as Lancer, Gungnir is a throwing spear with the ability that "No matter how often it is dodged, it will kill its target." The only flaw of this is that she can only continuously use this technique for 66 seconds, thus granting other servants a chance to dodge it. Also, using it leaves her without her weapon…

_**Red Magic: Scarlet Meister of the Devil Mansion**_**:** B  
Most dead apostle ancestors have access to reality marbles, and Remilia is no exception. Her reality marble creates a world covered in darkness. It contains a great mansion only lighted by a red moon.

Next to boosting Remilia's own parameters with one rank, it also has many alterations to fate when one fights Remilia in this place: "Remilia will win the fight", "Remilia will survive the fight", "Remilia's opponent will lose the fight", "Remilia's opponent will die in the fight" etc. It requires incredible luck to avoid even one of these fates, so fighting Remilia in it is often equal to suicide.

The maximum time Remilia can keep up this reality marble is 7 minutes and 6 seconds when actively fighting, and 1 hour and 6 minutes when staying put in one place.

* * *

"So, does this help to understand it?" Lancer asked to her master. Her master was done, and he gave her a single mission: to scout all of the opponents, and find out whom her 6 six opponents are.

Obviously, she objected. Why would she, who is used to have a ton of lackeys to do her work, go around and do such a menial task?

Well, because a command seal ordered her to "find out the identities of all servants and masters".

And so she set out to find out the identities of the other servants.

**[January 27****th****, Kotomine Church, Lancer POV]**

It was time for me to give my report to my master. I'm sure he'll be interested in what I have managed to find out.

...

God, I feel just like my own dog Sakuya!

"Kotomine."

Kotomine looked up from his book he was reading (the title read: _100 ways to bring other people despair and suffering_), and said that I could say what I discovered:

"Kotomine, at the current moment, all servants but Saber and Archer have been summoned, and I managed to identify two of the masters."

"Please continue. Remember that there will be ten portions of Mapo Tofu for you to eat if anything is not true."

Gulping at that (even one of those is really, really, REALLY spicy), I continued:

"It seems that both the Matou and the von Einzbern have Masters in this war. The names of both masters are Shinji Matou and Illyasviel von Einzbern. Anything else, master?"

Kotomine, now with a laugh on his face, maybe from my report, maybe from the book he reads… most likely from the book he reads, said that I wouldn't eat mapo tofu… tonight.

Well, I did get all my information from a report of this grail war (made by some guy named "Flagarach", or something)…

Anyways, there was something I had to do with that "King of heroes"…

**[January 28****th****, Basement of the Tohsaka manor, Rin POV]**

I am ready. I spend ten years to prepare myself for this Holy Grail war. It is almost 2AM, and now I'm at the peak of my magical power.

I engrave the summoning circle on the floor, and start the incantations.

_"Ye first, O silver, O iron.  
__O stone of the foundation, O Archduke of the Contract.  
__Hear me in the name of our great teacher, the Archmagus Schweinorg."_

I feel my senses changing.

_Let the descending winds be as a wall.  
__Let the gates in all directions be shut, rising above the crown, and let the three-forked roads to the Kingdom revolve._

Fingertips feel like melting, my head feels like it explodes, my nerves feel like burning iron, and my magic crest feels like a big thorn.

_Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut.  
__Five perfections for each repetition.  
__And now, let the filled sigils be annihilated in my stead!_

I cannot even imagine how painful this would be if I didn't had the grail to support me.

No.

I have to focus on my servant now.

_Set._  
_Let thy body rest under my dominion, let my fate rest in thy blade._  
_If thou submitteth to the call of the Holy Grail, and if thou wilt obey this mind, this reason, then thou shalt respond._

It hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts.

_I make my oath here._  
_I am that person who is become the virtue of all Heaven._  
_I am that person who is covered with the evil of all Hades._

But behind this pain that I endure, there lies my servant, my Saber!

_Thou seven heavens, clad in a trinity of words,_  
_come past thy restraining rings, and be thou the hands that protect the balance-!"_

Perfect! It's like tugging a whale on a fishing rod! I've drawn the strongest servant for sure!

…

…

Nothing happens.

Absolutely nothing…

*BOOM*

…except for an explosion coming from above.

"WHY!"

I ran upstairs, and seeing the living room made me understand everything. A girl, clad in white and green, with wings like those of a raven, was sitting in my messed up room. I really need a new house interior now…

She was looking around where she was, and I believe I heard something like "Unyu?", whatever that may be. I looked at the clock, and remembered that my clocks are one hour late; that means it is currently 1AM, and not 2AM.

"So, what are you?"

The girl just looks at me with puzzled eyes. Sigh… what is her problem, loss of speech? Loss of memory?

"Just to check… you are my servant, right?"

"I… think so…"

"So, which servant are you?"

"Ehh?" *Sigh* What is wrong with the intelligence of my servant?

"Your class?" All she does is tilt her head in unknowingness. What is this ditz her problem?

"What ability can you do?.."

Her eyes shone up like diamonds, and she shot up while summoning some strange looking device around her arm.

"Increase reactor core temperatures." She pointed that device to the sky. "Fission. Splitting uranium into krypton and barium." For some reason, she sounds like, well, less of a ditz. "Productive energy: 98.7%" for some reason, the top of the device is glowing. "Eradicating all foreign substances." Wait a sec… is she going to- "Ready. Fire in three…" Oh no. "two…" OH NO! "One…"

"STOOOO-"

"MEGA FLAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!" And a gigantic sun-like beam was shot through my roof, into the sky, changing night into day…

…

Ha…

Ha, ha, ha…

I really need a new house exterior now…

"SEEEERVAAAANT…"

"And? Did I do well master? Did I show you how great I am?" I… I can't take it anymore…

"Anfang." My servant is looking at me with those STUPID-LOOKING eyes. "Vertrag. Ein neuer Nagel, Ein neues Gesetz, Ein Neues Verbrechen!" (I announce to the command seal! By the order of the holy grail, don't be such a FRICKING BIRDBRAIN!"

**[January 29****th****, Streets of Fuyuki City, Gilgamesh POV]**

That mongrelish mongrelic mongrel of a mongreled mongrel! To think that that mongrel could make me do this!

I wasn't expecting anything great when that mongrel of a Lancer wanted to make a bet. Obviously, as the great king of heroes, how could the great I NOT allow hearing her out?

She claimed that I, yes, I, could not beat her in chess! I? Beatable? I CREATED chess! I created the "forced checkmate in 237"! She even allowed me to choose the color for my guaranteed win!

She pissed me off so much; I wanted to Gate-of-Babylown her right there, right then! But she claimed that "this would only prove that I couldn't play chess". I was SO pissed off, I decided that I would OBLITERATE her in a match, even if it would take me 237 moves to do it!

237 moves later, and for some reason, I LOST. What is even worse is that we made a bet: if I would lose (which should not happen!), I would have to take over her scouting. If I won she would have to call me "The one and only greatest bestest AUO Gilgamesh-sama".

But, I lost. And now I have to scout. The only good thing was that, for some reason, a gigantic sun appeared out of nowhere and gave her some burn marks. HA! Serves her right!

Oi, servants! Where are you! Come here and serve as my anger relief management! And if you are the mongrel who burned Lancer, I will honor your deed with showing you my Ea!

Now come here, you mongrel servants!

**[January 29****th****, other streets of Fuyuki city, Observer POV]**

In the moonlit streets of Fuyuki, a very happy Tohsaka was searching other masters, together with her servant Archer.

"Archer?"

"Yes, Tohsaka-sama?"

"x*x – 4x = -4. x is?"

"x is 2, master."

"Capital of France?"

"Paris…"

"What is the German translation of "soccer"?"

"Füβball…" Archer's eyes looked like they were crying; "Can we please stop this, master? Isn't this enough proof already?"

"Well, I guess that we have proven that the command spell works perfectly fine!"

For the record, this all started yesterday (or to be more precise, exactly 365 words ago), when Tohsaka Rin used a command spell to make her servant NOT a birdbrain. Normally, it would make a servant 'slightly less birdbrained' with such a long-term, unspecified command spell, but because Rin is such an outstanding magus, it became 'Intellingence of the servant is around normal levels' (Archer's IQ changed from 46 to 96!).

Obviously, she was very happy about it. After confirming some things with this not bird-brained servant, she found out that she had summoned Archer, but because of Rin's clumsiness during the summoning, her servant is unable to recall her own name.

Deciding that it would be unwise to go out without knowing the name of her servant, she spent an entire day in the school library searching through known legends and sagas. She mainly searched for what she observed: Archer, raven wings, sun-themed arm cannon, female, and some sort of ditz.

There was nothing that precisely matched her observations, but one legend was coming very, VERY close.

That legend was of the god of archery, Houyi. One day, all of the ten sun-birds flew down to earth (instead of one), scorching the earth. The one who should resolve the problem was the god of archery, Houyi, without killing the birds.

However, he 'accidentally' killed nine of them, and as a result, was banished from the heavens and became mortal.

As a mortal, he slew many more monsters for the sake of humanity. Because he was afraid of dead, he also went on a quest for immortality, and after finding the elixir of immortality, he was stupid enough not to immediately take it, but to leave it at his house, where both portions were taken by his wife, who then ascended to the moon while Houyi could do nothing about it.

Because of the loss of his wife, he changed from a welcomed hero into a tyrant, and was eventually killed by his student, Feng Meng.

The archer and ditz part were a clear reference to Houyi, while the raven wings and the sun weapon are like one of the sun-birds.

The only strange thing was the female part. Houyi is a female. Who's next? Nero? King Arthur?!

Rin was pretty sure that the servant she summoned was the god of archery, Houyi. So, while it is an Archer, it should be a very, very strong servant; and now that she eradicated the ditz part, she should be unstoppable!

Back to the present, Rin and her servant Archer (in astral form) were checking the streets of Fuyuki for servants. Their luck was… abysmal. They didn't find a single servant, and after searching the residential areas, they moved on to Shinto; it was filled with skyscrapers and simply screamed "business area". On top of the highest skyscraper was Rin, searching the city for anything abnormal.

But they couldn't find anything. Nothing in the west. Nothing in the east. Nothing in the north. Nothing in the south. All in all, tonight was an unproductive night.

Yet when all hope was lost, Archer noticed something. In the west, where the residential area is, a shimmer of gold was visible. Rin, deciding that "It couldn't make the search any worse", wanted to go to there for a possible showdown.

This was when Archer showed her brilliance. Using one of her personal skills, an A+ level in flight, she grabbed Rin and flew towards the golden light.

Until she accidentally dropped Rin into the cold winter water. Emphasis on cold. The only thing matching the coldness of the water was the fierceness of Rin's anger.

…

"ARRRRCHERRRR!"

**[January 29****th****, Homurahara School Grounds, Gilgamesh POV]**

So, once again, I, the king, am bored. Completely, utterly, totally bored. The only possible way of entertainment for me right now is:

1. Find and fight some Heroic spirit. Not that much fun (I wouldn't even win, I just allow them to lose.), but it is better than nothing. Plus, I would finally be freed from this horrible, horrible scouting that is only fit for mongrels and bastards! That bastard Lancer!

2. Pull out my original game console (the Gil-Gil ω) and play some Super Gilgamesh Bros; or maybe some Gilgamesh the Hedgehog 06. The game is clearly not great, but it flawed convictions remind me of my lovely Saber… If she doesn't appear in this Holy Grail war, I will personally give the one responsible a slow and painful death!

3. Blow up a part of the world and see how the people suffer, and then I will enjoy their despair! MWAHAHAHAHA!

…

…

I should spend somewhat less time with Kotomine…

4. Get myself a cute girl and have a goooood time… Getting one shouldn't be too hard (A+ charisma FTW!) but I should watch out: people like me have one natural enemy: fangirls. I the king, will have to avoid them at all cost.

5. Look for some people who are suffering and act as THE glorious badass that I am!

Normally, I would go with option 5, but I decided to go with option 2. It has been a long, long time since I played a game on them. The question is, which game am I going to play? A puzzling adventure game like 'The legend of Gilgamesh' would be nice, but a racing game like 'Gilgamesh kart 7' or 'Need for Gil: Most Awesome' would be nice too. 'The Gilgamesh scrolls: Skyrim' is a great game, but so is a puzzle game like 'Professor Gilgamesh'…

!

I know! I'll play 'Gilgamon: HeartGold'! Now then, game, be honored! I, the great king Gilgamesh, choose you!

**[January 29****th****, Homurahara school grounds, Shirou POV]**

Lately, my completely normal life has disappeared. It wasn't completely normal from the start, considering that I am a magus(albeit only third rate at best), but these last days have become even stranger. It started with my friend Shinji, who was… down… I asked what was wrong, but he just muttered "baka" and "nine-ball", followed by crying…

Next was my friend Issei; the man who always hated girls, and suddenly gained feelings for a shrine maiden that was currently staying at Ryuudou temple.

The last few nights, when I was walking back from work, I met a young girl who claimed I was her "onii-chan" and that I would die if I didn't summon my servant. What was even stranger was that she was followed by a horned girl who was flying through the air!

Tohsaka is surprisingly happy, and said that "the birdbrain is no more!" Also, yesterday, I saw her talking with a raven-winged girl… I have no idea what that was about.

This, however, is the icing on the cake: first of all, a man in golden armor was standing on the school grounds, thinking. Suddenly, a TV, game console, power generator and game (all completely golden) appear out of nowhere, and he starts to play some sort of rip-off of pokemon!

Around one minute later, two more people FLY down: one is a completely soaked Tohsaka, and the other was that raven-winged girl. That girl suddenly started to fight with the golden man, who rained down swords on her, which she shot down with some arm cannon.

After 30 seconds, the man began to laugh, thanking the girl for "giving Lancer her punishment", and drew out a magnificent sword… drill… thingy.

Both of them somehow visibly charged their weapons in some sort of anime like style, and after screaming their attacks (also very anime-like), "Enuma Elish" and "Peta Flare", they released HUGE power beams at each other.

It all left me with one question: Am I high?

**[Same place, same time, Rin POV]**

This was not good. My servant, and that servant (which is probably Saber, based on his sword) have equal noble phantasms, but he has also access to a lot of projectiles that are all noble phantasms! I have only found one servant, but I must always find the strongest one…

Why me?

*Clank*

A sound. Someone else was intruding the fight. When I followed the sound, I saw HIM. One of my classmates. Shirou Emiya.

No. I cannot let innocent bystanders have anything to do with the Holy Grail war. What is even worse is that my opponent, the servant Saber, was trying to kill him for "ruining this great fight."

I can't let you do that, Saber. "Archer, keep that servant away from that student. I will do something about him!" Archer nodded, and while she faces Saber, I follow Emiya to make sure he will not remember a single bit of this evening.

**[A bit later, Emiya residence, Shirou POV]**

Am… am I safe here? That golden guy gave off such a killing intent, I could only flee. I ran. I ran, I ran, and I ran some more until I was out of energy, and even then I continued running.

And now I was here, at home, and I was catching my breath. Bad move. Only a few seconds later, and the wall broke down, with goldie in the middle of the created hole, and the same amount of killing intent he had before. Two swords appeared out of nowhere, flying at me, with speeds swifter then eagles.

I could dodge the first, but the second managed to pierce my left leg. It hurts. It hurts just as much as my normal magecraft training. Except this time, my leg got pierced by metal instead of my spine. And they both feel terrible…

I stand up. This person tries to kill me. I don't understand why, but it simply is so. But I won't let him. I won't die here. Not now! I haven't saved anyone yet in my entire life! I won't leave my ideals unfulfilled! Not now! Not ever!

I grab the sword, and wield it. I can feel the strength in it, but compared to the sword that guy wielded earlier, it was only third-rate. He became angered at me, screaming that "mongrels should never be allowed to wield my weapons".

He summoned three more weapons, shot even faster at me then before. I tried to dodge them by rolling to the right, but he anticipated that. While I dodged the first lance like this, a handaxe was now aimed straight at my head, and dodging is almost impossible in midair.

Luckily, I had another option. I used the sword I pulled out of my leg to deflect the weapon, and it worked. The third weapon, a white shortsword, managed to pierce the right leg. It hurts, but I stand. I stand up to this danger. I grab the white shortsword, and notice that I now have a complete set of twin Chinese dao.

Another three swords flew at me, and I dodged and blocked all three. The weapons I was wielding were showing cracks, and they would last only one hit. I used my magecraft.

"Composition, reinforce."

I used the only magic I know. Strengthening magic. On these two blades in my hands. I normally fail at any kind of magic, but this time, like a miracle, it worked. I poured what little prana I had in my body, all to give one decicive blow on my opponent.

It worked. I lack prana, so the increase is only little, but it should be enough to land a decent hit on him.

I charge at him. Two more weapons were shot, but I dodged both. I aimed, aiming the blades at his heart, ready to impale him.

"HaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaH!" I moved in. Three steps. Two steps. One step. I pierced him with all my might.

…

Or at least, I tried to. All this golden person needed to do was block my sword with his hand. Nothing more, nothing less. My attack was defeated like it was nothing.

"Hmph. Mongrel."

A single flick of his arm, and he send me flying through the wall, right into my own shed.

I crashed. I have broken a few ribs, but I would still go on. I may be cornered, but I won't die.

I see him coming. With a slow pace, full of arrogance, he walked to his almost defeated prey.

Almost. I'm not done yet. I will not die here! Not now! I wi-

*Flash*

A flash. The shed lights up, and both predator and prey are shocked. Out of the flash, a young girl storms at the golden man.

She gracefully swings her two blades, a katana and a wakizashi, at my still shocked opponent, who is thus forced into retreat, and jumps back onto the wall of my house.

"Hmm? Listen well, mongrels! Be grateful; for today, I'll let you live! Now, your king will go!" and as he said that, he disappeared from my view.

I took a closer look at the girl. The silver light of the moon shines behind her, and light up the girl in samurai-like form.

I'm speechless. Not because of the sudden term of events. I'm at a loss because of this girl's overwhelming beauty.

The girl walks back to me, and stares at me emotionlessly with her cool grey eyes.

"I ask of you. Are you my Master?"

* * *

**Flagarach: AAAAAAAAND CUT! Well, this is it. First chapter, complete! This fic is pretty much a "Touhou cast as servants" fic. If there are any questions, please say so. If I created any loopholes, I will explain them. So, anybody?**

**Lancer: Well, why was Kotomine selected for the grail? Originally, he was selected because Angra Mainyu liked the darkness in his hart. Since there is no Angra Mainyu, why was he chosen?**

**Flagarach: Because the Gap demon thought it would be interesting.**

**Lancer: What are the changes in the 4****th**** Holy Grail war?**

**Flagarach: Zero to none; instead of Kiritsugu abandoning the grail, he was unable to obtain his goals while Kotomine managed to get his wish for destruction. Because he failed to get the grail, he was kicked out of the Einzbern family, and lived with his adopted son until he died of a sudden heart attack. Also, Rider won a national gaming tournament.**

**Lancer: Who is servant Caster?**

**Flagarach: You'll find out later…**

**Lancer: Ahh… One last question:**

**Flagarach: What is it?**

**Lancer: Well, I'm being used for these sections, have great strength and ability… does this mean that I'm the main protagonist for the Touhou side?**

**Flagarach: No, but you do have one of the major roles. Don't forget, being Lancer is suffering!**

**Lancer: Meh, I'll just change that fate a bit…**

**Flagarach: …**

**Flagarach: Anyway, to end it, I also plan to create some "alternate possibilities", which, due to the laws of the second true magic, surely happened somewhere else. Technically, they're omakes.**

**Flagarach: This time, 7 omakes about servants who didn't make the cut:**

* * *

I am going to die. She was pointing her arm cannon at the shed I was in. I don't know what to do. I have no weapons, and in a few seconds, I would be toast.

No, I'm not going to die. I WILL survive! I w-

A green flash. Out of nowhere, an old man appeared, standing before me.

The girl, who's arm cannon is still charging, flew higher. "So, you're Saber, aren't you? Well, I doubt you can get me fast enough! Now die with your mast-"

A slash. a single slash from a normal katana split the girl in two. However, this sword did strike farther than a meter. Farther than ten meters. I think it hit even more than a kilometer. It-

"Hits 200 yojana in one slash."

I took a closer look at him. His long hair is already white, but his eyes are sharp. His face is scarred, and his body probably too. He wears a green hakama with a black belt, black geta, white kimono, and green haori. He… "Who… who are you?"

"I was but a simple gardener for the Saigyouji. Now, I have been summoned as servant Saber. Boy, are you my master?"

**Flagarach: The Saber that didn't make it in this grail war. Of the original 7 servants, only two are still used. The original Saber, Youki Konpaku, was the third servant I removed. Imagine: the entire servant cast has Touhou characters, and Emiya, who originally summoned a gender flipped king Arthur, summons… a male. Wouldn't that be funny?**

**Lancer: A male Touhou character in a crossover? This is blasphemy! This is madness!**

**Flagarach: Madness?.. THIS… IS… A FSN/TOUHOU CROSSOVER!**

**Lancer: …**

**Flagarach: What?**

**Lancer: Way to go with killing the joke…**

* * *

"Yo, Master! I, Cu Chulainn, have been summoned as the servant Lancer. So, shall we go to battle, missy?"

I did it! I, Bazett Fraga McRemitz, summoned my hero, Cu Chulainn! I finally did it!

"Say, master, it has been a reaaaly long time since I had a drink, could you fetch me something nice?"

Obviously, I could. There was no reason not to. I am so happy right now; there is no way that it can be broken. So, I walk to the kitchen to fetch him some drinks.

…

What Bazett didn't know was that when she left the room, her blue-haired lancer in his blue bodysuit shifted form.

The result was a young girl. She has three red wings on her right, and three blue one on her left back. Short, black hair, a black dress with long black thigh-highs and red shoes, and in her hand, she hold a trident. And she was looking all too happy.

"Ohh… I wonder what will happen when she comes back, and her 'hero' has disappeared. That will be… very interesting… Hahahaha!.."

**Flagarach: So, yeah, my second choice for the Lancer class, Nue Houjuu. This was only my second choice. Remilia was my No.1 Lancer from the very beginning.**

**Lancer: Why, thank you. I'm flattered.**

**Flagarach: To be precise, you are the reason I started this fanfic!**

**Lancer: Once again, I'm flattered… are you sure I'm not the MC?**

**Flagarach: I'm sure. About Nue, I think that she might be summoned in the future, but more like the True Assassin class, and not the Lancer class.**

**Lancer: Hmm… a copy stays a copy. There is no fun in challenging a fake.**

**Flagarach: True. All her abilities are fakes. However, who says a fake cannot beat the original? Here she comes, princess of septettes. Do you have enough fate in stock?**

**?: Faker!**

**Flagarach: Who's that?**

**Lancer: It's Goldie. Hello, mister "I suck at chess".**

**Gil: Lancer! While you can be assured of a slow and painful death by my hands, you're not my problem now.**

**Flagarach: Then who is?**

**Gil: remember words 3312-3333?**

**Flagarach: *searches* If she doesn't appear in this Holy Grail war, I will personally give the one responsible a slow… and… painful… death!.. Ahahahaha…**

**Gil: Please tell me, mongrel, where is my Saber, my king Arthuria?**

**Flagarach: Lancer? Little help here?**

***Lancer left***

**Flagarach: well, shit.**

**Gil: Now, awaken, Ea, for a mongrel who denies me my treasure has appeared.**

**Flagarach: *Gulp***

**Gil: Look and behold, ENUMA ELISH!**

…

…

…

_The rest of this chapter has been cancelled due to technical difficulties._


	2. A thin border between serious and funny

**Flagarach: Autch... autch... autch... body... hurts... like… hell…**

**Lancer: Soooooo, how was your time with Gilgamesh?**

**Flagarach: Well… he killed… me… with… every… weapon… of his… Gate… of Babylon…**

**Flagarach: After… every kill… he resurrected… me… again…**

**Lancer: How often were you killed?**

**Flagarach: Lost count… met a nice… green-haired… girl… a "Yama"… Met her… few thousand… times…**

**Flagarach: Apparently… you get a… free elixir… of immortality… with every… thousand… deaths…**

**Lancer: Oh?**

**Flagarach: But it only… gives you… a single… taste…**

**Flagarach: So I had to… suffer it… three times…**

**Lancer: *snicker***

**Flagarach: After that… I was simply stabbed… with everything of… his Gate of Babylon… hurts like hell…**

**Lancer: Well, now what?**

**Flagarach: Thank the reviewers…**

**Lancer: You mean Piterio, SuperNova23, ApologeticGuy and pltrgst?**

**Flagarach: Done… *Faints***

**Lancer: Well then, enjoy!**

* * *

**[January 29****th****, In front of the Emiya Residence, Rin POV]**

Crap. Oh crap. Ohcrapohcrapohcrap! My servant could only hold back Saber for a minute, and Emiya is in big trouble now! I run. I enhance myself with my magecraft. I run 100 meters in 7 seconds. All becomes a blur, as I run to my fellow student. I will not let innocents die in this war!

I arrive at his home, only to see Saber disappear from the house. Am I too late?

What surprises me even more is that somewhat later, another servant jumped over the wall, and is heading straight to me with the intention to kill?

I use it. One of my jewels, containing enough energy to create an A-class spell. I throw it at my opponent, creating a big vortex that tries to rip that person apart… but it is not enough. No. It did nothing.

This servant… it was completely unaffected by the wind. It couldn't even scratch her. She pushes me on my back.

I look up, and see her face in the moonlight. The girl who made the golden hero retreat. Who completely annulled my magic. A young girl with white hair and green clothes, wielding a katana and a wakizashi.

"Miyamoto Musashi?"

"That was splendid magic, magus."

This girl… this girl is like a nightmare right now.

"But this is your end."

She prepares to strike. I brace myself. I look up, and I see Emiya coming out of his house while the sword is falling down upon me…

This… is the e-

"Stop it, servant!"

That Voice! "Archer!"

I look up. Archer is in the sky aiming her cannon at Emiya.

"If you don't stop now, servant, I will kill your master!"

I was almost crying. Thank you, Archer. I'm almost sorry I wanted Saber. ALMOST.

The girl in front of me understood, and withdrew her blade, my servant did likewise.

Emiya ran towards me. "You, you're Tohsaka?"

**[Same time, Same place, Emiya POV]**

"You, you're Tohsaka?"

"Yes, good evening, Emiya-kun." Tohsaka replies with a big grin. She greets me so normally… it makes everything seem like a dream…

"Um, now, well, uhh… you were using magic right now, so that means…"

"I'm a magus. Well, we're the same, so that is not something I should hide."

"Guh…" When she replies like that, it makes me feel stupid for asking.

"Let's talk inside. You don't know anything, right, Emiya-kun?"

"Wait, Tohsaka!" But it is no use. She and that winged girl already went inside.

I walk inside, and realize I'm in a strange situation. In front of me is the number one idol of the school and a black-winged girl. Behind me is Saber, who calls herself a servant.

It is simply scary to walk in my house, but I shouldn't. I can't be a coward forever. Tohsaka is a magus, just like me, and acting so fearlessly, so I have to act firm too.

I can only work out a few things of this situation. First, about Saber. I believe she is some kind of familiar. She calls me Master, and I made a contract with her. It seems like the normal relationship between magus and familiar.

However, a familiar is normally a small animal, whos mind is take over by a part of the magus's prana.

A human familiar would cost a great amount of prana at all times to constrain the mind. It makes no sense for someone like me, a magus with no magic circuits, to have such a familiar, it's-

"Is there something, Master?" Saber asks me.

"N-no, nothing. You can just call me Shirou, through." Why would a superior human being be my familiar?

The only solution is that Saber is something different than a familiar. She called herself a servant. I don't know what it is, but the man in golden armor and that raven girl seemed to be the same.

So Tohsaka is a master too. someone many times better than me, and an amazing magus.

I turn the lights of the living room on, go to the kitchen, and prepare four cups of tea. when they are ready, I take them to the dinner table, and the four of us sit dow:, me and Saber on one side, and the other two at the other one. I noticed just now, but my broken wall is fully repaired. It's probably the work of Tohsaka.

"So, Emiya-kun, let me guess: you were fighting that golden servant Saber here, which led to the previous destruction of the room, and summoned your servant in the garden, am I correct?"

I had nothing to add, but Saber did: "That servant cannot be Saber. The only Saber here is me."

Tohsaka was less surprised then I thought, but the person next to her, probably her servant, was: "EHHH? Then who was that goldie we fought earlier?"

Tohsaka turned to her servant, and explained that it is most likely Lancer or Rider.

"Tohsaka, could you please explain what is going on right now?"

Tohsaka turned towards me, and started to explain. "To put it bluntly, you have been chosen as a master in the fifth Holy Grail war. The mark on your hand is proof of that." I look at my hand. Indeed, three red glowing marks are on it. "Those are Command seals, spells that rule the servants. As long as you have it, you can retain your servant." Wait… as long as you have it?

"What do you mean, as long as I have it?"

"The command seal is a spell of absolute obedience. A servant cannot disobey an order made with a command seal. You probably realized that they have their own will, but a command seal overrides that. There is no spell to it, and activates when you put your mind to it. But they will cost you one at a time, and you only have three of them, so use them with caution."

"Okay… what is this Holy Grail war you talked about?"

"In the Holy Grail war, seven people battle and kill over a single wish-granting device, the Holy Grail. They summon a Servant, and then battle until only one pair is left. That pair is chosen to make a wish."

"Wait, what?"

"You still don't understand? Listen, you've been dragged into a game. A battle royale between seven magi for wish-granting object. It won't end until all other masters are killed."

She states it like it is the most natural thing in the world.

…

The phrase still swirls in my head: Until all other masters are killed.

"No way…"

"Believe it. You have already seen it, haven't you? You have been hunted down just for interfering in it, haven't you? Even if you deny it, your opponents will not. Got it?"

"Y-Yes…"

"Okay, then I will continue: every few decades, seven masters are chosen and given servants. We're both Masters, so we both have a contract with a servant. Think of it as your familiar, a weapon for this war. You must work together with it to kill all the other masters of this war."

"Hold on. A familiar is often something like a cat or dog right? Saber and your servant, ehm…"

"Archer."

"…Archer look more like a human right, so are they really familiars?"

"That is because they are of an entirely different level. These are ghost liners, the strongest type of familiar. They are heroes from the past, a-"

"Wait. Heroes from the past? That's impossible! I've never heard of such kind of magic!"

"It isn't magic. It's is an artificial phenomenon. All beings that did great achievements in life move on to a higher plane of existence. You summon a copy of one of the heroes in that plane. When summoned, it can also take on the form of an astral being." and as she snapped her fingers, her servant became undetectable to the eye, but she could still be felt. "All these Servants are far stronger than even the best magi. Therefore, we let the Servants battle each other, and we Magi support from behind. Is there anything you don't understand?"

"In words, I understand it. But I'm not convinced. To begin with, who started such a thing, and why?"

Those are questions I don't know about, nor should I answer. If you want to know them, we can go to the overseer of this Holy Grail war tomorrow. For today, there is only one thing I want to say: let's make an alliance."

Hmm… I still don't truly know what to do, so I accept. I lead Tohsaka and Archer out of my house, and I promise to meet her tomorrow at school. Tomorrow, we go to the overseer of this Grail War. For now, only one question lingers my mind…how did my wounds heal so quickly? Also, why wasn't there a SINGLE joke in almost FIFTEENHUNDERD words?!

**[January 30****th****, Emiya residence, Emiya POV]**

Yesterday was weird. Apparently, my dreams have changed too. When I first dreamed of weapons, tonight, I dreamed of Saber, standing in a great kitchen, preparing foods for her master…

I shot up from my bed, ran to the kitchen, only to find the worst thing imaginable to have happened: Saber has made all the food for breakfast, lunch AND dinner!

"SABER!" No. My place, my kitchen… there was nothing left to cook for a whole day… "Whyyyy…"

From behind a HUGE bowl of rice, the face of my servant Saber appears. "Ah, Shirou! I have already prepared the food. Do you want some tea?"

"Saber, don't you see the problem?" She looks at me, thinking about it, before giving me an answer: "O yeah! Shirou, I'm sorry it's a little on the small side, but if you wanted more, you really should have stored more."

Does she really understand nothing? "What am I going to say to Sakura and Fuji-nee?!"

She looks at me with a questioned face, but she finally looks like she understands it.

"Sorry, but this is your fault. If you wanted me to make enough food for 4 persons, you should have the supplies for them."

"Saber…"

"Yes?"

"You can feed 5 people for an entire day with this!"

"What are you talking about? This is just enough for a breakfast for two!"

And we continued to squabble for a while. Until I made that move:

"_If that is all you eat, then you eat way too little!"_

"_Well, maybe your metabolism is terrible! Your food doesn't go to your height,it doesn't go to your breasts, does everything go to a fat ghost cloud?!"_

_Saber stopped talking, but her eyes glared at me. Is she going to- oh hey, a ghost appeared around her, and she… draws… her… swords… "Saber?"_

"_Shirou…" She heads straight to me, and slashes me into another world._

"_You BAKAAAA!"_

**DEAD END**

…

…

…

**Tiger Dojo is a strange hint corner.**

**If you would like to finish this fanfic by yourself,**

**or if you would like to keep the characters' images, please be warned.**

**Do you want to enter the Dojo?**

**_[Yes]_  
**

**[No]**

"Yo, everyone! This is the spiritual world that takes you to heaven, Tiger Dojo! Congratulations! I'm Fujiwara Taiga, and may I introduce you to my number one student?!"

"I'm the assistant, student number one!"

"Shirou. Take some precautions! If you're alone with a girl, NEVER insult her on her looks! Do you want to die?!"

"Yeah… But Shirou is so cute, dying of one slash of Saber!"

"You have a messed up sense of aesthetics…"

…

"Fuji-nee. What are you doing and why is there a girl in bloomers besides you?"

"Wait, you shouldn't talk during these sections, or face the TAIGARYUKE-"

"Don't care. Still, you're right, Fuji-nee, I shouldn't have insulted Saber… wait, and how do you know Saber?"

"Shirou, I'm not your Fuji-nee. I'm the caretaker of the spiritual world who guides dead Shirous on the right path! The great Taiga! HAHAHA!"

You know what? I don't care anymore. I. Don't. Care. At. All. "Say, we made too much breakfast. Want to have some?"

"Osu! Shirou, let's get some!" And so, the three of us went through a suddenly appearing portal, and ended in my living room.

I apologized to Saber for insulting her, disposed of the me that died by Saber's katana, and cleaned up all the rest of the blood. After that, the four of use wanted to start with dinner, but the bell was ringing.

The callers were Fuji-nee, probably this world's version, and Sakura. They had many questions about why another Fuji-nee, a loli in bloomers and a samurai-girl are in my house eating a huge amount of breakfast.

"Don't think about it. The more you do, the less it makes sense."

So, the six of us have dinner. The two Taiga's were eating a lot while discussing about everyday business, Saber, Sakura and I were talking about various cooking recipes, and "Student number one" is busy with eating.

After dinner, one of the Fuji-nees went back through a portal with her number one student, and the other Fuji-nee went to school with Sakura. I would go too, but I first had to talk about a few things with Saber.

"So, Saber, will you go in astral form and follow me to school?"

Suddenly, Saber's face gets red, and she looks away. "Sorry, Shirou, but due to your inability as a magus, I am only halve able to go in astral form." And out of nowhere, a big floating cloud-ghost-thingy appeared.

"Wasn't that only supposed to appear in the previous route?"

Saber ignored my last question, and pointed her index finger to me, and it somehow picked me up. "Shirou, if you're in trouble, then flee using my other half. you can ride it like a snowboard, an- and you have to go to school now!" And I was thrown out of the house.

**[January 30****th****, Kotomine Church, Kotomine POV]**

I didn't know what to expect when I saw that paper:

_Kotomine,_

_Due to a certain mongrel, I lost interest in this Grail war. I have found another interest, and as such, I hereby order you to put the TV on at 12 o'clock at channel 5. Prepare for death if you dare not to follow my commands!_

_Gilgamesh_

So, I did what the letter said. I thought that he would show me a great way to enjoy people's suffering.

I switched the TV on. zapped to channel 5, and:

"Welcome, everyone, to finals of the Mister Universe Championship!" What the heck is this? "Now, let's continue where we left off. Can I have the golden envelope, my lovely assistant?" I don't know what to make from this… "Thank you. And now, the moment you have been waiting for… the new Mister Universe iiisss… GILGAMESH! CONGRATULATIONS!"

I must say, the despair of all the losers is… very amusing… "Now, than Gilgamesh, do you have anything to say after becoming 'King of All', 'The Greatest human ever alive', 'Number 1 Archer in the World' AND 'Mister Universe' in ONE DAY?

"Obviously. Listen well, mongrels. If there is any competition in this world, then it is natural that I should become the number one. So, if anyone wants to challenge me, than I will make them suffer in front of the TV. And Kotomine, you better enjoy this!" It was at this moment that I saw flashes of pictures of people suffering from losing to Gilgamesh, and it was a great, great pleasure for me… Thank you, Gilgamesh…

**[January 30****th****, Homurahara School, Emiya POV]**

School was, for the most part… uneventful. Sure, we sent the wrong Fuji-nee through the portal, and now we have an even more hyperactive teacher, but apart from that, there was just the lunch Tohsaka and I had on the rooftop:

"_So, Tohsaka, who is the overseer of the grail war?"_

"_Ah… say, have you heard of the church on the hill?" I search my memories. There is only one thing I remember: after the fire ten years ago, I, along with other children that survived, was put in an orphanage at that hill. I was then adopted by my father, Emiya Kiritsugu. I don't know what happened to the other children, but I'm sure they're doing fine._

"_Yeah, what about it?"_

"_To make sure that the war is a fairly judges, the mages association leaves the judging to the church. In that church lives the fake priest" fake priest? "Kotomine Kirei. He is the overseer of this war."_

"_Why did you call him the fake priest?"_

"_You'll see when you meet him."_

_Suddenly, my arm itches. I try to scratch it, but there is something cold blocking my ability to do so. I look at my arm, and notice the problem. It seems that an icicle has pierced my arm. Ahhh,that's it… I take the icicle o-_

"_Wait a second; I've been pierced by an icicle!" Tohsaka notices it too._

"_Assassin!"_

"_Da is no hash…hash…sin here, only da strongest, me!" Out of nowhere, a small girl appears. Short light-blue hair, a blue-white dress, and six icicles that looks like wings._

"_Caster?"_

"_Hmph. Eye'm no Casta. Prepair to fight!" and a new dose of Icicles went straight towards us. But we weren't helpless._

"_Archer!"_

_Out of nowhere, Archer appeared. "Yes, Master!" and she used a single blast of energy to melt all icicles._

_It was then that the two servants looked at each other, both thinking that they look greatly familiar…_

"_Y-y-you're that Fire R-R-Raven lady!"_

_Suddenly, Archer's expression changed, like someone put a light bulb on top of her. "Now I remember! You're that foreign nuisance! Let's see if you will melt again this time!"_

_The enemy servant took a step back, another step, another one… and fled. Victory for us?_

"_Whose servant would that be?" Tohsaka looked at me with tired eyes, (probably from this battle):_

"_Emiya, who else but an idiot would summon another idiot?" Ahhhh…_

"_Shinji?"_

"_Shinji."_

We decided not to mind Shinji. He wouldn't beat a servant anyway, even if that servant really is "da strongest"...

So, after school, we went to the church, with Saber riding high in the air on her ghostboard (which is called Myon, by the way). When we were near the church, Tohsaka warned me:

"Emiya, be warned for that horror of a priest. Even though he may not look like it, he is a person who is capable of making you wish you were never born while you still thank him for doing so."

I gulped. I opened the door… and what I saw there would be forever etched on my mind…

**January 30****th****, Kotomine church, Rin POV]**

I couldn't believe it, I couldn't understand it, I couldn't grasp it and I couldn't make anything out of it.

If the church was raided by a Caster-type servant, I would believe it.

If the church was overrun by all the evils in the world, I could understand it.

If Kotomine kept tons of children as almost-death beings, I could grasp it.

If Kotomine had two servants under his command, I could make something out of it.

But nothing like that happened.

Kotomine was sleeping on one of the church benches, but that is not the strange part. It was the church itself.

Why is the church adorned with pink frilly accessories? Why is Kirei's mantle pink? With is his face full of childish scribbles? "It doesn't make sense!"

It seems I was a bit too loud, and Kirei woke up, saw what happened an-

"9th holy sacrament; memory manipulation!"

**[January 30****th**** ,Outside of Kotomine Church, Emiya POV]**

We finally arrived at the church, and I am surprised it took so long! It's already dark outside! I also seem to lack some memories… anyways, I step into the church, and Tohsaka follows me closely after.

"Oi! Fake priest! Are you here?"

Out of nowhere, a tall man with shoulder length hair is standing before me, but he talks to the one behind me. "Rin, you didn't answer my calls, and now you bring a strange man before me… So, is he the seventh?

"Yes, he is a magus, but he lacks the knowledge of the grail war." And she turns to me. "Emiya, ask any questions you have to him."

The priest called Kotomine slowly turns to me.

Without realizing, I take a step back. I don't know why. I don't sense any hostility. It's just that the air around him feels heavy.

"I am Kotomine Kirei, the one entrusted with this church. What is your name, seventh master?"

"Emiya Shirou."

"So, you are Saber's master?"

"I think so. Still, why did the grail choose me as a master? I'm sure there are much more competent masters than I."

"I see. This is serious. Does he really understand so little, Rin? First, let's correct your misunderstandings. Listen, Emiya Shirou. Master is not a role you can give to someone else nor can you stop being it after being chosen. Those who have the command spells cannot resign. Accept that fact."

"If you wish to retire, then obtain the Holy Grail and wish for it. If you obtain it, your desire will be made reality, no matter what that desire is."

"So, I can wish for something, like, saving everyone?"

"Yes, Emiya, if you would obtain the Grail, you can wish for the salvation of manki-"

"I'm in!" I will win this grail war, and I will become a superhero who saves everyone! "Now, can you teach me the rules?"

A small smile appeared on Kotomine's face, and Tohsaka looks shocked. "Emiya Shirou. You are a master in the Holy Grail war. You have a heroic legend at your side, just like the six other masters. Your goal is to kill the other pairs so that you can manifest your wish upon the world. A pair is defeated if the servant or the master is killed, but the survivor can make a new contract with another survivor of the other type."

"So, Emiya, if I lost my servant and you died, then I could make a contract with your servant to continue fighting."

"A servant who goes too long without master will fade from existence. When there is only one Master-Servant pair left, that pair will be the winner of the grail war."

"There are seven types of servants, and one of each type is summoned in the war: Saber, the sword-wielding servant. Lancer, the lance-wielding servant. Archer, the-"

"Bow-wielding servant?"

"Indeed, Emiya. Now, let me continue: Rider, th-"

"Mounted servant?" This gets really obvious, really fast.

"Since you seem so knowledgeable, the other three are Caster, Assassin and Berserker. You can guess what they are. Anyway…"

"The Grail War must be kept hidden from the public. All who interfere should be killed or have a memory alteration. You don't want your non-magi friends to die, do you?" he has a point there.

"The church is neutral ground. Masters who lost their servants can go here to protect themselves from the war at the cost of giving up on the Grail War. Also, servants may not come near here. Do you have any other questions, Master of Saber?"

I do. "Two, actually. First, if what you told me is correct, you don't need to kill the Masters, but just the servants, right?"

"Indeed, Emiya, but do know that that is much more difficult, and not all Masters will come through unharmed. Now, rejoice, Emiya Shirou, and ask your last question."

"Well, did we meet you before in a pink mantle?"

"9th holy sacrament; memory manipulation!"

**[January 30****th****, outside of Kotomine church, Emiya POV]**

I don't truly know what happened, but I believe I now know all that happened, and that if I enter the church, my memory will be destroyed, so we leave, and go back to my house.

It was a nice evening. There was a small breeze, a full moon, a master and a deadly servant right in front of us, no clouds, a su… wait.

A master and deadly servant right in front of us? That can't be right… I rubbed my eyes, but it was true. Two little girls were standing in front of me. the one that felt as a very powerful master looks just like (is?) 'student number one', and the servant… well, you immediately notice the giant horns, big sake gourd, chains around her arm and the sudden triplification of her height.

"Onii-chan! You finally summoned your servant." and Saber suddenly stood right in front of me, and Archer in front of Tohsaka. "Now let me introduce to my servant: Berserker, get them!"

"ROOOOOOOO*hic*OOOAAAAAAAAARRRRR" with a very human-like roar, that sounded like the combination of a kid's animal roar and drunken cry, Berserker moved against us and tried to kill us.

Saber drew out her swords, and swords clashed against gourd. While Saber was quick, Berserker was keeping up. And while Saber is strong, Berserker is stronger. MUCH stronger. And one of Berserker's hits sent Saber flying in the wall.

"SAAAABEEER!"

Tohsaka, however, wasn't staying quiet. Her servant already climbed to the roof of a nearby building, and was preparing a shot: "GIIIIIIGAAAAAAA FLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARE" and a huge beam shot at Berserker, creating an explosion (and almost took me with it!).

There was fire from this explosion. I tried to see through this explosion, but I couldn't. When a single sword slash from Saber dimmed down the flames, the results were visible:

Saber was still standing upright, with a bit of scorched clothes and blood where the gourd hit her. Berserker… was unharmed.

"Ha! you don't stand a chance against the greatest demon, Shuten Doji!" The Berserker interrupted her master with a "It's Sui*hic*ka, mastaaaaa…"

* * *

**Servant stats:**

Servant: Berserker  
Master: Illyasviel von Einzbern  
True Name: Suika Ibuki  
Alignment: Chaotic Neutral

**Parameters:  
**Strength: A+  
Endurance: A  
Agility:B  
Mana: B  
Luck: A  
N. Phantasm: A

**Class skills:**  
Drunk Enhancement: A+

**Personal skills:  
**Battle continuation:D  
The ability to continue fighting even when taking great wounds. On this level, only works when said wound is soberness. **  
**Danmaku Magecraft: B  
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. Those of this level have some variety in spellcards.  
Flight: A  
Like all Gensokyan residents, she has the ability to fly. At this level, one is able to fly as long as there is mana in the air.  
Migraine: C  
Lowers the success of mental skills. Only happens when she is not drunk.

**Noble Phantasms:**

_**Ibaraki Doji: Inexhaustible Gourd of the Oni: **_C_**  
**_A legendary gourd of the oni, its special ability is that it never runs dry and thus will always contain sake. Its true power however lies in the other ability: When one is offered a drink with sake from this gourd, one cannot refuse to drink from it. It is at the levels of a very strong curse, so it would take a will like that of Gilgamesh to deny the drink.

_**Deep Fog Density: One Million Demons: **_A_**  
**_The natural ability of Suika, to change her own density. This can have various results: She can use it to change her height, change herself into a mist, or create an army of mini-me's. The maximum number, how misleading the title may be, is only twenty.

* * *

"Now, do you understand how futile it is to face my servant? You should just give up!" She may have said so, but Saber and Archer won't. If Saber left an opening, Archer closed it, and vice versa. They are currently on the upper hand, slowly but steadily creating scratches on the body.

"Berserker, stop playing! Kill them already!" And with a drunken woman's cry, Berserker once again tripled her own height, and thus increased her own punching power.

The negative part of it is that she became much easier to hit. Now, Saber's sword stuck deeper, and instead of scratches, it left cuts.

"Berserker!"

It's no use. Berserker is certainly the strongest of these three heroic servants, but she faces two at the same time. She is losing through strength in numbers.

Suddenly, a voice talks out of nowhere: "Well then, why not let this vampire have some fun and make this a 2 against 2?"

Next to Berserker, a girl, dressed in pink, with short blue hair and spear in hand flew down using her wings.

"Lancer?"

"Vlad Tepes?" Tohsaka asked.

"The young descendent of Vlad Tepes. Now then, Berserker, let's combine our power to kill these two." Her spear charged with energy. "Gungnir the Spe-"

"Now, Berserker!" Wha? Berserker suddenly grasps Lancer, and swung her at Archer.

"Lancer, what the hell are you doing?"

"I have no idea!"

After missing, Archer steps back, but Berserker throws Lancer at Archer.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

**Status update:**

_**Spinning Assault: Blue Lancer **_B+  
Uses Lancer as a weapon by throwing him. While Suika normally doesn't have access to this noble phantasm, this Noble phantasm is created by using Lancer. It has a critical effect on Archer. It emits blue light and starts to spin rapidly, striking everything in its path without fail. While it has the effect of a penetrating javelin of death, it does not return to the thrower like a boomerang does.

"-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-"

"What's up with this unknown Noble PhantUNYUUUUUUUUUUUUUU-" And Lancer and Archer flew off like a piercing spear of death through the night sky.

**Archer defeated**

**Lancer dead**

"You aren't human!"

"Well, I'm a homunculus, and she's a heroic spirit, so yeah, we aren't human, onii-chan!" Well, that explains a lot. "But Berserker, use it!"

I didn't know what she was going to use, but I didn't trust it. Berserker changed back to normal form, and lost all killing intent.

"Master, watch out! I don't know what is going to happen, but it can't be good!" She took out her weapon, her gourd, and… poured sake?

She looks at my servant. "Saber!"

Berserker takes two steps to Saber. Saber, on guard, assumes a defensive position.

"Heeeeee*hic*ey, want to have a *hic* drink?" What the heck?

"Saber?" She took it? She drinks it? And now she turns to me:

"Yuuuuuyuuuukooooo-saaamaaaa… I'm a goooood girlllllll…" and she falls unconsciously on the ground.

"SABER! You, *looks up name in status report* ehm… Illyasviel von Einzbern, What did you do to her?"

"Well, apparently, your servants gets very drunk, very easily. Now, Berserker, kill them!"

…

"zzzz"

…

Is Berserker sleeping?

"Moh, Berserker, get up! Get up!"

Well, I guess that was the fighting for today. I walk up to my servant, put her over my shoulder, a-

"Yosha! All three knight classes and Berserker down! Look like today is my lucky day, da ze!" I look to my right, on top of one of the buildings is a… witch? Big black witch hat, witch robes, witch boots, witch broom… where is the witch cat?

Tohsaka looks up to the building too. "An European witch?"

* * *

_Meanwhile, in Rin's head:_

_Saber: Miyamoto Musashi (drunk)  
Lancer: Vlad Tepes the umpteenth (dead)  
Archer: Houyi (defeated)  
Rider: probably Goldie (not a girl!)  
Caster: Some European medieval witch (missing a cat)  
Assassin: Baka (not worth mentioning)  
Berserker: Shuten Doji (sleeping and drunk)_

_I'm pretty sure I got it all right._

* * *

"You have quite some magical energy. So, are you Caster?" she asked to the person on the roof.

"You would wish I am the servant. But sadly for you, I am just the Master. Come on out, Caster!"

Next to that master, another figure appeared. A female that could be called the top of Japanese beauty: "Let me introduce to my awesome servant Kaguya, ze!"

"Like in Kaguya-hime? the princess of the moon?" Tohsaka asked.

"That would be me. Here let me introduce myself:"

* * *

**Servant stats:**

Servant: Caster  
Master: Marisa Kirisame  
True name: Kaguya Houraisan  
Alignment: Lawful neutral

**Stats:**  
Strength: E  
Endurance: B  
Agility: B  
Mana: A+  
Luck: C  
N. Pantasms: ABCDE

**Class skills:  
**Item creation: C  
Terretory creation: B

**Personal Skills:  
**Charisma: C  
The natural ability to command: On this level, it is enough to lead a great amount of people… or rabbits.  
Danmaku Magecraft: A++  
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. People on this level are near the maximum amount of spellcards one can obtain in live.  
Immortality: EX  
The inability to die. Even a lack of prana or complete annihilation won't kill this servant. Apparently, some people don't die when they are killed.  
Knowledge of the NEET: A+  
Ability to recognize any game character in an instant. People at this level have spent an eternity playing video games.  
Regeneration: EX  
No matter what state she is in, she will ALWAYS reform into her old state, no matter the prana necessary. How unfair…

**Noble Phantasms:**

_**Swallow's Cowrie Shell: Life spring infinity: **_E  
The fifth impossible request. Technically, a panacea. Due to being immortal and having the world's best doctor at ones side, she didn't have much use for it, thus its low rank.

_**Robe of Fire Rat: Salamander Shield: **_D  
The third impossible request. A Robe created from the fire rat. It is greatly fire-resistant, but lacks any defenses on other parts. Kaguya didn't mind that, until she was punched in the face by her rival.

_**Buddha's Stone Bowl: Buddhist Diamond: **_C  
The first impossible request. It is an unbreakable bowl, and as such, can stop any attack, due to its inability to break. Its only flaw is that it only has the size of a human hand, and attacks can still go over, under, or past it…

_**Dragon Necklace: Brilliant Dragon Bullet: **_B  
A branch with five glowing energy balls to it. Unlike what the name says, it fires brightly colored laser beams. It has nothing to do with dragons, though.

_**Hourai Barrage: Dreamlike Paradise: **_A  
The second impossible request. Kaguya's best Noble Phantasm, it blows away all things around oneself with tons and tons of colored energy bullets, until all that is left around her is a sphere of nothingness with a radius of thirty meters. I have nothing funny to say about it. Truly her strongest ability.

* * *

Me, Tohsaka and Illyasviel were looking at the stats, and we all had the same thought:

"What the hell is up with her immortality?!"

"Well, if you're going to participate in a death match, then having a servant who cannot die is a sure victory, ze!" Well… she does have a point there…

"But how did you summon an immortal being as the spirit of a DEAD hero?!"

"I'm pretty sure a very convenient plot twist is going to happen in 3… 2… 1…"

…

"I said: 3… 2… 1…"

… still nothing.

"Oi, Flagarach! Hurry up and give me my convenient plot twist!"

**Flagarach: fine, fine…**

Out of nowhere, a girl appeared with long white hair, carrying some shopping bags, smoking a cigarette and singing some yakisoba song. She suddenly stopped, and looked at the situation in front of her:

"What the heck is going on here?" and then she looked to the roof: "Kaguya? How are you still alive? Didn't I kill you with my new super-extreme-move-that-I-cannot-say-at-all-because-of-copyright-laws-and-Flagarach-his-unwilligness-to-explain-any-formed-loopholes-in-here named 'SEMTIC SA ABOCLAF HUTE AFLIH'!?"

"There's my convenient plot twist!" The witch cheered in joy.

"That is a pretty cool name for a special move!" Illyasviel said. It… isn't really that cool. It's just the first letter of every word in the sentence put together.

"Oh, Mokou, how nice to see you again!"

"Ah, Kaguya! It got a bit boring without you. I don't hold any grudge anymore, but still, want to relive the old days?"

"Oh, do you think you can beat me, who has been strengthened through the Holy Grail? You're on, fallen noble!"

"Just as I like it, hourai NEET!" And the two flew off in the sky, giving a nice amount of firework in the night sky. And the witch Marisa was left alone, and Illya and Tohsaka are looking… VERY scary now.

"Say, Illya, should we hurt this person for wanting to kill weakened servants?"

"Hmm? I think that someone needs to be thought a lesson, right, Rin?"

"Right…" Women are scary…

And thus, Marisa is going to be kille-"

"Stop it!" On top of the buiding Archer climbed, another young woman was standing. This one has brown eyes and brown hair going to the waist. She is clothed in a red, armpitless miko outfit with a HUGE ribbon in her hair, and she has a gohei in her hands.

"Ah, Reimu! How are you doing!" It seems the witch knows this shrine maiden.

"Clearly, much, much better than you." And the shrine maiden turned to the Illya and Tohsaka. "Could you please stop harassing my friend?"

Tohsaka looked at her and took something out of her pocket. "This jewel worth 10,000,000 yen is for you if you let us torture her… a lot."

The shrine maiden's eyes changed into yen signs. "OK, go ahead! But do it quickly. We're far over the 6 mille word count."

"So, even Reimu betrayed me, ze. Well, at least I have one last option." She cupped her hands togheter, and energy started to gather in her hands. "I am Son Marisa, a saiyan from planet Vegeta, and I am the protector of Gensokyo, da ze. I am the hope of the universe. I am the answer to all living things crying out for peace, ze. I am protector of the innocent. I am the light in the darkness. I am ally to good, and a nightmare to you, da ze! Kaaaaa…" Wait, "Meeeeee…." is this "Haaaaa…" the legendary "Meeee…" super saiya-

"MAAAAASTER SPAAAAAARK!" Nope, it was all just a lie… it still created a giant energy beam, though.

Yet before it hit Tohsaka, something blocked it until no energy was left. Standing there was the shrine maiden, who… was also standing on that building?

"Why are there two of you?"

"If you want to do something…"

"…do it yourself." The other one finished.

So, technically, "You summoned yourself in this war?"

Both nodded, and the one on the roof jumped (flew) next to herself. "Now then Marisa, time for your punishment."

"And don't even think of trying magic," The other added, "My B-class magic resistance makes me immune to all of yours."

"Well, ehm… I… flee!" and she escaped far, far aw-

**-GAP-**

Or at least, she would have were it not for the giant gap that gobbled her up.

"Umm… now what?"

The shrine maidens turn to me: "Trust me…"

"…those who end there…"

…will most likely never see the light of day again." And they both turned to Tohsaka: "Can we have our jewel now?" Obviously, Rin complied.

Soooo, what now? Luckily, one of the shrine maidens, the servant, continued the conversation: "Say, master?"

"Yes, Rider?"

"Well, if you're here, and Marisa is here, then who is taking care of Gensokyo now?"

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

A gigantic explosion. Like an enormous bounded field was ripped apart, and all the magic inside has been freed.

"What Gensokyo?"

* * *

**Flagarach: And we end this story with a bang! So yeah, Caster is now in the story. Clearly most Caster servant guesses went to Patchy and Alice, but it was Kaguya. Surprise! I think she reflects Marisa's way of fighting the best: "A ton of small bullets? Pff, screw the rules, Master Spark, da ze!"**

**Lancer: Answer me, Flagarach!**

**Flagarach: Ah, it's Lancer! What is it, Lancer?**

**Lancer: Isn't it obvious? Gensokyo exploded! There is an immortal servant in the war! But most of all, I died! I didn't sign up to become the pierrot of this fanfic!**

**Flagarach: Let's go over all three points: First, it wasn't an explosion. It was an implosion.**

**Lancer: YOU. DESTROYED. GENSOKYO.**

**Flagarach: Pff, big deal. If you complain, blame Reimu and Marisa. They just HAD to leave Gensokyo to participate. Next point after the omake that I couldn't finish due to a certain AUO:**

* * *

I walked upstairs. I don't know what I had summoned, but it was the strongest class, Saber for sure. I tried to open the door. Tried, because the door broke down. I couldn't believe what I saw…

"A bunny girl?"

The bunny girl looked towards me. "Say, please tell me that you've been called more than just a 'bunny who is only good for her sex appeal'…"

"Well, that is what Tewi always called me, so… I guess not?"

…

That morning Tohsaka Rin was found in her own room. She had commited suicide: her last words were not that special, except for the "Sorry, Father. All I summoned was a little bunny girl" part.

**Flagarach: So, yeah Reisen was my second choice, but I'm afraid Rin would earlier commit suicide then have a bunny girl as her servant.**

**Lancer: Forget that! You summoned an immortal servant! That goes against every Holy Grail war rule!**

**Flagarach: As a famous king of heroes once said: "Screw the rules, I am the rules!" Besides, maybe people will find out what SEMTIC SA ABOCLAF HUTE AFLIH truly is, and maybe it will be used once again on Kaguya… Anyway, next Omake.**

* * *

I looked at what I summoned. Clearly, it was a sailor, one with much experience on the sea.

"I am one who has wrecked many ships, I cause all sailors to fear the sea itself! I am Minamitsu Murasa, and I have been summoned as the servant Rider. I ask of you, are you my master?"

…

…

…

"Where is the pun of this omake? I can't find it!"

**Flagarach: The reason she is the first servant I replaced. I had a hard time finding good riders, and this was the first one I found. Due to a lack of jokes, she didn't make the cut.**

**Murasa: Whaaat?**

**Lancer: Anyway, what about the last part? I, Lancer, have died!**

**Flagarach: You aren't huma-**

**Lancer: Obvious jokes aside; I don't want to die every chapter.**

**Flagarach: Don't worry, you won't die after this.**

**Lancer: Really?**

**Flagarach: Yep, because it's permadeath.**

**Lancer: Ohhhh… It's permadeath. How could I have been so s- Wait, permadeath?!**

**Flagarach: For now, next Omake!**

**Lancer: Wait a se-**

* * *

"Sakura, you better summon the best servant possible for me!" I looked at my sister. Well, her cooking is good, and she has some magic potential, but she isn't nearly as great as me, Shinji! "Gramps, start the ritual!"

The ritual continued. I waited in excitement at which servant I would get. Lancer? Archer? If I'm lucky, I would even get Saber! But no matter which servant it is, it will surely be the best servant!

The circle crakles. The room get's foggy. I try to see what was summoned. It was a girl, with silver hair, in two short braids. knifes are strapped around her legs, and she wears a maid outfit.

"Upon your summoning, I have come forth. I ask of you: are you my master?"

…

"Gramps, are you sure we summoned the right sort of servant?"

**Flagarach: Look, Lancer, we could have had Sakuya as an Assassin! I wanted to do a Caster omake, but Mokou would have the same jokes as Kaguya, so it wasn't worth writing.**

**Lancer: I don't care! Am I not one of the four characters promoting this, next to Gilgamesh, Shirou and Rin?**

**Flagarach: Yes…**

**Lancer: Didn't you promise me that I will be one of the major roles last chapter?**

**Flagarach: I did…**

**Lancer: So why did you do this?**

**Flagarach: I lied.**

**Lancer: What?**

**Flagarach. I lied: I mean, Gen Urobochi does it all the time, so why couldn't I? What are you going to do about it? Kill me? Oh wait, I became immortal after my 3000****th**** death!**

**Remilia: But you can still feel pain, right?**

**Flagarach: Hold on, there are now two of you?**

**Lancer: No, I am the heroic spirit that died in this war.**

**Remilia: And I am the Remilia that died with the explosion-**

**Flagarach: Implosion.**

**Remilia: -Implosion of Gensokyo.**

**Lancer+Remilia: And together, we're going to kill you!**

**Flagarach: Next omake!**

**L+R: Hold i-**

* * *

Illya was looking at what she summoned. It wasn't Berserker, but Saber, which, while not as Loyal was as powerful.

It was male, with long silver hair, black leather suit with boots of the same material an insanely long and slim odachi, and a single wing to boot.

"Who are you?"

"I am the son of the Heaven's Dark Harbringer, JENOVA. I… am-

**Flagarach: Sephiroth?**

"Indeed, that is me."

**Flagarach: What the heck are you doing here? This omake was meant for Flandre!**

**Sephiroth: I do as I please. Watch this:**

**Flagarach: What?**

**The great son of the Heaven's Dark Harbringer, The One-Winged Angel, Sephiroth: This!**

**Flagarach: You can't just appear in any crossover! This is Fate/Touhou! I haven't even played Final Fantasy 7! Get out of here!**

**The great son of the Heaven's Dark Harbringer, The One-Winged Angel, Sephiroth: YOU DIDN'T PLAY FF7? VAMPIRES! HELP HIM WITH PAYING FOR HIS SINS!**

**R+L: Any last words?**

**Flagarach: …help me, Eirin!**

**Eirin: Why should I?**

**Flagarach: Eh?**

**Eirin: You let Kaguya die, destroyed Gensokyo, and I'm lower on the Archer list than Reisen!**

**Flagarach: Oh…**

**Eirin: Besides, every single Gensokyan resident wants you dead, isn't that right, guys?**

**Patchouli: Indeed.**

**Chen: *nods***

**Wriggle: Yeah!**

**Shikieiki: He will be judged!**

**Aya: News flash: Writer gets brutally humiliated!**

**Satori: For what you have done and are thinking, die…**

**Kogasa: Surprise!**

**Mamisou: You're supposed to say yes, Kogasa…**

**Every other Gensokyan resident: YES! **

**Flagarach: Can this get even worse?**

**Bazett: I should kill you too for the first chapter!**

**Cloud: 'sup? I was supposed to kill some Flagarach.**

**Flagarack: F*ck my mouth.**

…

…

…

_The rest of this chapter has been cancelled due to technical difficulties._


	3. Another arc, another laugh

**Flagarach: Well, I've felt the wrath of pretty much every single Gensokyan citizen, Cloud, Sephiroth, Bazett, Gilgamesh and Lancer… And I fear I'm not done yet… and I need to search for a new person as my right hand. So, may I introduce you to my new assistant, Sakura Saber!**

**Sakura Saber: Nice to meet you, everyone. I will be in your care. Please tell me, Flagarach, why did you choose me?**

**Flagarach: Well, I originally planned to bring in King Arthur, but that would bring a few problems: 1. She has HUGE food costs. 2. Gilgamesh will probably interrupt this part due to how much he likes Saber. 3. The cost to hire her is twenty times yours.**

**Sakura Saber: Well, thanks for calling me cheap. Anyways, my true name is Okita Souji, I have blond hair that co-**

**Flagarach: Appearance is pretty much King Arthur in a Yukata. Anything else, Okita?**

**Okita: Well, I appear in Nasu's Kohaku Ace story?**

**Flagarach: Good enough. I want to thank UBW, Supernova23 and pltrgst for reviewing this story.**

**Okita: Thank you very much, everyone. Now let us begin!**

* * *

**[January 30****th****, Kotomine church, Kotomine POV]**

I was standing in the church, currently talking to my servant over the phone: "Gilgamesh."

"Kotomine, what is it? If this call is useless, be sure that you will not go unpunished!"

"Lancer died."

"You aren't human."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"Isn't it obvious, Kotomine! You lack a heart, so obviously, you aren't human!"

"And… what does this have to do with anything?"

"It is the only fitting thing to say that in such a situation." Sometimes, I truly don't understand Gilgamesh anymore.

I hang up. I am starting to feel like I am in some sort of fanfiction that completely makes fun of every fate character… but that must just be my imagination…

**[January 31th, Emiya residence, Emiya POV]**

Yesterday was finished quickly. I took a very drunk Saber back to her bed, and went to sleep. This time, I dreamt again of Saber, yet instead of cooking, I dreamt of her fighting Rider. Yet not a single sword clashed against goheis. Instead, thousands of bullets were shot back and forth, and in the end, Saber was down on the ground.

"_There is more than enough spring in this place. What are you trying to do?"_

"_The young mistress would like to see perfect cherry blossoms this year. This level of spring is not enough for the Saigyou Ayakashi to bloom fully..."_

"_And is full bloom… a good thing?"_ And with these words, my dream ended.

I shot up. I went to the room I let Saber rest in, and noticed that she was all right.

Today was Saturday, and I finally didn't have school today, so that means that there will be no breakfast with Fuji-nee and Sakura. I walk to the kitchen. I want to make something European so maybe hamburgers for breakfast. Hmm… should I season the meat with Worcestershire sauce or with red pepper and garlic? Hey, why not both?

I look in the kitchen, and realize. All food was used yesterday. Well, seems like I have to go to the supermarket to buy some new food.

So, I walk to the shopping street, preparing to buy some food. First, I buy the vegetables, followed by the meat, seasonings and all the other stuff I gathered. When I am finally finished, I search for a nice café to drink some good Japanese tea.

In the end, I found a nice café named Ahnenerbe. The good news: The food there looks delicious. The bad news: It is run by Cat… like… thingies… "What the hell are those?"

I walked up to the only waiter that's seems human. His hair is blue, with most of it in a ponytail. He wears a standard waiter uniform, and he is called "The blue hound" by the Cats. For some reason, I have the feeling that he killed me before, but that should be impossible. After all, people die when they are killed.

"Excuse, me is there a table free?" It was a stupid question. Most of the tables are empty, and only 7 other people are here.

Luckily, this waiter is in a good mood (something about a "Lancer died" joke already been done in this chapter, and he was not the victim of it), and took me to a two-person table next to the window. "So, what do you want to order, kid?"

"Well, what are the specialties?"

"The coffee here is really good, but is served hotter than normal. If it is pie you want, then it has to be or the strawberry pie, or the blueberry pie."

So, I decide to have a hot cup of coffee and the blueberry pie. I only had to wait a minute, and the food was served. Long live quick delivery service.

The man in blue did have a question for me: "Say, do you want to share your table with another customer?" I don't really understand why, I mean, a lot of tables are still free, but I still accept.

I look at the man in front of me. Black suit with a long black overcoat over it, spiky black hair, a fa-

"Dad?"

"Ah, Shirou, nice to meet you again. You've really grown. So, did you become the hero of justice I couldn't be?"

"No, no, wait. You died. I saw you die five years ago! Why are you here?"

"Son. I did die. However, this place is Ahnenerbe. This is a frontier where different worlds meet, and people who cannot normally appear together will be able to meet without any problems for either of their time axis."

"O…kay? But anyway, Dad, I missed you! Why did yo-"

"A black coffee with a clubhouse sandwith, please."

"Don't ignore me!"

"Sorry, son. Anyways, Shirou, there is something important I have to tell you. You are currently in a Grail war, right?"

How… "How did you know?"

"As I feared. Listen, Shirou. This timeline will follow the 'Fate' events, and as such, you will be… kind of a wimp." Wait, what? "Therefore, I have this for you:" As he said that, he took out a small case.

Inside the case… was… a gun. A single-bullet gun, with 25 bullets next to it. "This is my mystic code, Shirou. The Custom Thompson Contender, it renders a magus unable to perform any magecraft if hit with it, due to destroying his magic circuits."

I looked at it, and felt the weight in my hand. "So, this gun can stop a magus without killing him?"

"Well, it also does the damage a normal bullet does, so… it can still kill them." Thanks a bunch, dad.

"One last question. Isn't it forbidden to wield guns?"

"Isn't it forbidden to use heroes of the past to kill other people?"

"Touche… Anyways, I have to go now; my servant will probably be waiting for me now."

"See you again son, and don't give up your ideals…" I won't dad… I won't.

So, after having a nice talk with my dad and some REALLY delicious pie, I walk back to my house to meet with my servant, but not before going to the park. There, I meet Illya. "Hello, onii-chan!" Crap, it's Berserker's master! Should I use the gun I got from dad?

_Son, remember, don't use it on my daughter, even if she has become mad and wants to kill you for stealing me away. Take care of your older sister!_

"Illya-nee, can't we just stop this? I don't want to hurt you."

"Wait, wait, wait! You're not supposed to know that! How did you know that?"

"Illya, I met our dad at Café Ahnenerbe. If you want to meet him, be quick." Illya's eyes shone, and she looks at me. "Shirou, today is the fifth day of the Holy Grail war. Meet me here again on the seventh!" And she runs towards said café I wave my sister off, and walk back to my home.

I enter the house, and notice that she is sitting at the table.

"Ah, Shirou…"

"You don't look too good, what is it?"

"My head… I feel like I have a migraine…" I don't remember that as one of her personal skills, to be honest.

"Anyway, lie down, while I make some breakfast." I made the hamburgers, and the two of us eat, while discussing some things and filling in Saber's blanks on what happened today.

At that moment, someone came in through the door. It was Tohsaka. "Alright, Emiya, you're going to help me!"

"What is the problem, Tohsaka?"

"Due to Berserker's unknown Noble Phantasm, my servant Archer got defeated. Now that there is a free servant on the run, I'm going to make a contract with it!" And she drags me off.

"At least let me finish my breakfaaaast!.."

**[January 31****st****, Tohsaka Residence, Rin POV]**

So, we searched the entire city. The residential area Miyama, the business area Shinto, Fuyuki Bridge and more… And there wasn't a single trace of Caster.

"Where the heck did that servant go?" It can't be… did Lancer's master get him?

"Well," Emiya added, "There is one place we didn't search. Ryuudou Temple."

But that place is inaccessible. A strong bounded field is set around the temple, most likely set up by one of the servants. Should I just give up?

No. I won't! I will win this grail war, and fulfill what my father couldn't! "Now then, let's begin the siege of Ryuudou Temple!" And I dragged Emiya with me to Ryuudou Temple.

**[January 31****st****, in front of Ryuudou Temple, Emiya POV]**

I don't want to be here. I just wanted to have a normal Saturday, but no. While meeting Dad wasn't such a bad thing, the 'dragged around the city' was less nice.

"Tohsaka, can't we go back home?" I almost want to cry. I want to get out of here, now.

"No." And so, I'm being dragged up the temple stairs. Saber doesn't seem to mind, since she wants to take care of the opponent servants.

The reason we use the front door is that the bounded field around the temple is strong. It is created so that anyone, be it servant or non-servant, will be weakened, unless one comes there through the front door. And that is a lot of steps we have to walk…

When we walk for a lot of minutes, all that stands between use and the temple is the gate. We walk through, and meet a gigantic donation box. Why was that placed here?

"Well, you came to the temple, are you going to donate?"

I look behind me, and I see Rider… or the master of Rider… I still can't tell them apart… "So, is this you're base?"

"Well, I am a shrine maiden, so isn't it only fitting that this is my base?"

"Point taken. Anyway, are you Rider or her master?"

"I'm Rider, but let me introduce myself:

* * *

**Servant Stats:**

Servant: Rider  
Master: Reimu Hakurei  
True name: Reimu Hakurei  
Alignment: Lawful Good

**Parameters:  
**Strength: C  
Endurance: E  
Agility: B  
Mana: A  
Luck: EX  
N. Phantasm: Look at the list below.

**Class skills:  
**Magic Resistance: B  
Riding: B

**Personal skills:  
**Danmaku Magecraft: A+  
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. Those of this level have a variety of spellcards in the double digits.  
Divinity: D  
The measure if one has divine spirit aptitude or not. In Reimu's case, some people claim that she is the god of her own shrine.  
Flight: A  
Like all Gensokyan residents, she has the ability to fly. At this level, one is able to fly as long as there is mana in the air.  
Grazing: A+  
The ability to barely dodge attacks. Might even work against unblockable attacks.  
Pioneer of the Stars: EX  
All that can be considered 'impossible' turns into 'events that can be realized'. She did such thing, like, what, every halve year? Every game?

**Noble Phantasms:**

_**Genjii: Turtle with Wisdom through the ages:**_ E  
Well, it can fly… that's pretty much it. Oh, you could also sacrifice it to block an attack.

_**Hakurei Border: Great Boundery of Gensokyo:**_ B  
A gigantic bounded field which, when put up without any help, can max a kilometer in radius. Inside, nature flourishes, and magic gathers. All ways of attacking that cannot be considered danmaku is forbidden. If one is defeated in the bounded field, the winner can force the loser to obey a single command which has the power of a command spell. If Reimu leaves the Bounded Field, it will implode after a few days if she doesn't turn back, killing all inside.

_**Hax Sign: Burn Everything: **_HAX  
When activated, burns everything in Reimu's line of sight. Only accessible when she is pissed.

* * *

"Oh, uhm… thanks, I guess? Anyways, is Caster here?"

"The NEET princess? Haven't seen here here. But now that you are here, it is time for the 2nd best fight of the Fate route, the siege of Ryuudou Tem- Why are you leaving?"

I left. "I have no business here if there is no Caster." If there is no Caster, then all I want to do is to go home, cook some dinner, and have a nice evening star-gazing with Saber.

"No! This is the ultimate battle of clashing sw-"

"Aren't you Rider? As far as I know, the fight should be between Saber and Assassin. You're simply the wrong servant, you know."

"No, wai-"

"If I donate 1000 yen, will you let me leave?"

"We have a deal!" So, after donating, I left with Saber and Tohsaka. Tohsaka went to her own house, still busy with repairing her house. It was destroyed due to a gas leak. I was really surprised when I heard that. Normally, gas leaks are cover-ups for some supernatural accident. To think that a real one happened is… quite refreshing!

…

If someone says it wasn't a gas leak, I will make them kindly shut up.

We went home, and after a tiring day of being dragged around, I'm glad I'm here.

It was time for us to eat dinner, and after losing a match of rock-paper-scissors, she was allowed to cook. *sniff*

I tasted it. It was good, no it as great! "Saber, it's delicious! What is this?"

"It's a night sparrow dish I call 'Mystia'. Does it taste well?"

"Yeah, it does!" I'm surprised. I want to know. Where did she get this, how do you cook this, why wasn't there some joke made with some disgusting sounding food that tastes great?

"Also, the dressing is the energy created from the screams of tortured souls." Ah, there it is. Still tastes great, though.

"Say, Saber, want to join me outside in a minute?" Saber nods, and starts to quickly finish her own meal, just like me. When we finish, we go outside.

The stars look beautiful. falling stars fill the sky, and a full moon is in the air. The weather forecast was cloudy and a washing moon, but I don't care. This simply looks better than a cloudy night.

"Saber."

"Shirou? What is it?"

"I was sitting here with my father, and we were gazing at the moon. He told me of his dream. He wanted to become a hero of justice. But he couldn't. He said he became too old. So I promised that I would become a hero of justice. If I win the grail war, I will use it to save everyone. Saber, why are you in the grail war?"

She looks at the sky, and is probably having some deep thoughts.

"Shirou. Listen to what I have to say. Where I come from, there is no moon or stars at night. Night is dark, and day is light. Such is live in Hakugyokurou." It sounds unworldly. I don't know where it is, but the joy Saber has in explaining this place is great. Does she want to go back?

"It is one gigantic garden, with an uncountable number of cherry blossoms. It is a beautiful sight in spring; and during fall, it is dyed by red leaves in autumn. In the center is a mansion, owned by the head of Hakugyokurou and the lands around it, the Saigyouji family. I am from the Konpaku family, Youmu Konpaku, the dire-

* * *

**Servant stats:**

Servant: Saber  
Master: Emiya Shirou  
True name: Youmu Konpak-

"Can we at least wait until this arc of the story is done? You're kind of interrupting the story…"

…

…

"-I repeat, the direct servants of the Saigyouji." So, that is the true name of Saber. Youmu Konpaku. But in my eyes she is Saber. A swordswoman. A cook. Protective. Straightforward. And most of all, my friend.

"I held the title of Gardener, the direct servants of milady Yuyuko Saigyouji. I was her bodyguard. Her cook. Her gardener, and also, her friend. I spent my entire live in her service, and I never left her side unless she ordered me on an errand." So, that is her story. I wonder who this Yuyuko is. I would like to meet her.

"I have only one wish. I spent many, many years as her servant." It seems she had a good time with the Saigyouji. Does she want to go back? "I have one thing I regret, and I want the grail to solve it: To have someone else as my master!" Wait, what?

"She was a horrible master! I had to cook breakfasts that would be enough to fill the stomachs of an entire village because she is a big glutton! I was the only one taking care of the enormous cherry trees, since she wanted to use the money saved from hiring people to get more food! I often had to work more than 100 hours after each other, was constantly the victim of her jokes, she was whimsical, playful, and completely hopeless! I once had to slay a dragon because she wanted to eat it! And not to forget, I…" And so, I listened to a one hour rant of Saber about how terrible her master was, which was clearly an outlet of all her bottled up stress. I'm scared. What kind of demon is this Yuyuko Saigyouji?

"So, Shirou. I think I can truly say what my wish is: I want you to be the master of the Netherworld instead of the Saigyouji." Wait. Wait, wait, wait…

"Saber?"

"Yes, master."

"I don't really want to become like Lahar-"

"Don't bring Disgaea in this." Fine, Saber, have it your way. "But yes, someone like you would make everyone in the Netherworld happy. So, master, let's win the Holy Grail."

Yeah… let's win.

* * *

**Servant stats:**

Servant: Saber  
Master: Shirou Emiya  
True name: Youmu Konpaku  
Alignment: Lawful Neutral

**Parameters:**  
Strength: B  
Endurance: C  
Agility: A  
Mana: B  
Luck: C  
N. Phantasms: A

**Class skills:  
**Magic Resistance: A  
Riding: B

**Personal Skills:  
**Danmaku magecraft: A+  
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. Those of this level have a variety of spellcards in the double digits.  
Eye of the mind (True): B  
Capable of calm analysis of battle conditions even when in danger and deduce an appropriate course of action after considering all possibilities to escape from a predicament. So long there is even a 1% chance of a comeback, this ability greatly improves the chances of winning.  
Flight: A  
Like all Gensokyan residents, she has the ability to fly. At this level, one is able to fly as long as there is mana in the air.  
Knowledge of Respect and Harmony: B  
Prevents decrease in the effectiveness of a technique, no matter how often it is used. At this level, attacks cannot be perceived by the enemy.  
Light Weight Drinker: A  
The inability to drink alcohol. Even a single drop of alcohol will make the owner of this skill drunk.

**Noble Phantasms:**

_**Roukanken: 200 Yojana in One Slash:**_ A  
A katana, forged by Youkai, of the Konpaku that can only be wielded by said family. A katana with incredible hardness, the things it cannot cut are 'close to none'. It is capable of covering enormous distances when used at full power, with some legends and soccer matches saying she could cut the moon in half with it. The user travels between two points of space, and cuts all in-between.

_**Hakurouken: Approaching Disillusion of Eternal Truth and Enlightenment:**_ C+  
A short katana of the Konpaku, this sword can only be wielded by someone from the Konpaku family. As a sword, it can cut confusion, which comes with a bit of pain for the receiver. Against ghost/spirts etc. it will instantly sent them into nirvana. Considering that Servants are spirits, this move is kind of cheating, but aren't most noble phantasms that?

_**Myon: Ghost Cloud of the Phantom Gardener:**_ D  
The second half of Youmu, this part of her can be mounted. People are still wondering if it is a marshmallow.

* * *

**[January 31****st****, Ryuudou Temple, Rider POV]**

You would think that this grail war would be completely different from normal live in Gensokyo. Instead, I'm currently in a shrine on a hill, kicking an ice fairy down the stairs for bothering me. At the same time, my current self does the same for another baka.

I remember it like yesterday when Gensokyo was destroyed.

…

Oh… that was yesterday.

I do wonder: what is up with the heroes of this war? I am Rider, and my master is me; Yuyuko's servant is Saber; the drunken freeloader is Berserker; the not-drunken freeloader is Caster's master, who in turn is the NEET; Lancer is, no, was the older vampire sister, and Archer was the six-ball. And let's not forget our intruder…

…

Yukari… wherever you are, I am sure you are behind this.

**[Another Time-axis, another Dimension, Observer POV]**

"Welcome everyone, to the finals of the inter-dimensional trolling tournament, for dimension travelers, by dimension travelers. Now, let us introduce you to the finalists:" As he said that, lights flipped on, revealing two persons standing in what looks like a boxing area.

"In our left corner, we have the demon of boundaries, who is twothou-" *Glare* "-Seventeen years old, and if anyone from Gensokyo lands in another dimension, than you know it: it was her fooling around. Our first finalist: Yukari Yakumo!" And a huge crowd was cheering for her. "Do you have anything to say to your fans, Yukari?"

Yukari looks at the microphone, and gaps it away. "A lady should always keep her secrets." was heard through the arena.

"W-well, now to the right corner: The fourth dead apostle ancestor, a true magician who has lived a very long time, and should be blamed when you're trapped in another dimension… Kischur Zelretch Sweinorg!" And another crowd, just a big as the previous one, was cheering just as hard for him as the other crowd.

"Thank you everyone. I will make sure to beat her, and prove that I am the one to blame for all incidents. Shall we go pretty lady?" Both contestants look each other in the eye. It's decided:

"It's on!"

**[February 1****st****, Emiya Residence, Emiya POV]**

Once again a dream. This time, it was about a flower outbreak. Once more, Rider and Saber were standing in front of each other:

"_For you to be in a place like this."_

"_That's my line. I'm investigating the flower outbreak."_

"_That's my job, so go home and sleep." _And once again, a battle of thousand bullets began. Unlike last time, Saber managed to land some hits, and in the end, she even won.

I stood up. It was a nice dream, and I wanted to make some breakfast after taking a shower.

I took a towel, and went to the bathroom. I took open the door and I noticed some steam, condense on all the windows, a naked Saber, the bath filled with water, a-

"S-S-Shirou?"

Oh yeah, a naked Saber. I walk back through the door and close it. How could I be so stupid? I should realize that she wanted some time for herself. How could I fail to make her happy?

I heard her mumbling thorough the door: "I-I should be all right. He's just an o-o-oblivious eroge protagonist; he should not get any d-d-dirty thoughts from seeing me." I wonder what she was talking about. I mean, she cleansed her body well. If it is so clean, why would she dirty my thoughts?

Dismissing said incident, I go back to the kitchen, and prepare breakfast. When I was done, I noticed that Saber was done, and she was looking at me with red cheeks. Was the bath that hot?

She was holding an envelope, which reminded me of Goldie. It was completely made from gold, just like the letter that was inside. The content read as followed:

_To the unimportant mongrel that lives in the shabby house,_

_Be honored, for you were chosen to be the witness to what is going to happen today. To not come equals death! Take your less lovely than the other Saber with you and arrive at the church at twelve exact._

_Your one and only king forever,_

_The great Gilgamesh_

_P.S. All mongrels opening the box will be disintegrated into less than atoms!_

_P.S.S. This is not an elaborate plot to kill you, mongrel!_

"Box?" At that moment, Saber showed me a small, equally golden box. That is probably what he was talking about. "Say, Saber should we go?"

She saw no reason to go, and started the breakfast. I sat down too, but I wanted to consult Tohsaka. I walked to my phone, but I forgot I don't know her phone number.

Now that I think about it, she said she didn't even have a phone. When I asked her how she talked to her friends, she replied with: "Those who are magi I contact with magecraft, and those who are not magi I don't contact." Heck, she even showed me how to transmit thoughts by integrating the DNA of said person into one another, which has a range of 2 kilometers!

…

But a normal phone has a world-wide range... Why don't mages use that technology? It's not like it will explode in their faces or something… "Oh well, I can always go to her house to consult her…"

"Consult who?" I turn around, I notice Tohsaka, standing in the hallway, wearing her usual outfit.

"Ah, Tohsaka! I just wanted to talk to you." I take her with me to the living room, offer her half of my breakfast, since Saber completely finished hers, and show her the letter I got.

"So, that Goldie we fought is the first hero in history, Gilgamesh?"

"It seems like it. Say, Tohsaka, should we go there?" Tohsaka was thinking, before she said that "We should". Her eyes shine brightly, and say:

"I hope Shirou gets killed so that I can take over his servant."

…

Seems like I can't read people as well as I thought…

**[Back to the interdimensional dimension, Observer POV]**

"And let's see the results of the first round, 'Who can piss off Gilgamesh the fastest?!'

This game is quite easy. The two people both get a Gilgamesh from another parallel world, and they drop said Gilgamesh in another world. The winner is who's Gilgamesh destroys his world first.

"Now then… Yukari… You sent your Gilgamesh to world 293850. Titled 'My Little Pony', and it got destroyed in… 2 minutes and 12 seconds! Seems Like friendship lost from Gil's magc!" And a huge wave of applause came from the audience. "Now then… Zeltrech. You sent your Gilgamesh into world 305892, 'Zero no Tsukaima'. How long did it take for Gilgamesh to destroy the world…?"

The contestants looked at each other. The tension in the air was thick. The killing intent between both finalists was high. The results are announced: "2 minutes… and… 7 seconds! Congratulations, Zeltrech! first point goes to you!"

People were cheering. Zeltrech was walking up to Yukari. "Well done, Zeltrech."

"You should know… never call Gilgamesh a commoner."

…

"And now, onto our second round: 'who will die first in Gensokyo?' We'll see it after the break!"

**[February 1****st****, In front of the church, Emiya POV]**

I stood for the church. Nobody was outside. Did Gilgamesh mean inside? I walk to the door. I'm only five steps away. I can still run.

No.

I won't. I will step inside. Only three steps left. I wonder what he means. What horrors will await me?

One step. I take it. I grab the door handle, and open the door. I look inside. What I saw wa-

"Mongrel! You're late for my wedding!"

-s Gilgamesh getting married? I look around. There is a huge wedding…Mapo…Tofu… Some decorations, but nothing out of the ordinary. Except that everything is gold. EVERYTHING!

"What the heck is going on here?" Rin screamed behind me.

I looked at Saber. Who was staring at the couple. The first was Gilgamesh, in his completely golden suit, with many golden accessories. The one in the dress was-

"Caster? How did this happen?"

Caster, in her bridal dress, walked up to us. "I have only one thing to say: Flashback!" And everything went blurry.

**[Into the Flashback]**

_It was a day after I killed Mokou (Yay!), and I was resting from a few wounds in the territory I created using my skill. All of a sudden, the front door was broken, and some golden guy was standing before me._

"_Hahahaha! A Japanese eternal beauty. Such a treasure I don't posess! Now then, I, Gilgamesh, order you as a king, become my bride!"_

_This Gilgamesh sounds like those princes I didn't want to marry, so I did what I did to all who court me: "Well then, Gilgamesh, do you know my legend? The legend of Kaguya-hime?"_

"_Why should I care, mongrel?" I hate him already._

"_A-Anyway, Those who wish to marry me must complete all impossible requests I give them. Buddha's Stone Bowl; A jeweled Branch from Hourai; The Fire Rat's Robe; A Dragon's Jeweled Necklace; The Swallow's Cowrie; And specially for you, the new impossible request: A wedding ring made from Mysterium. Can you complete all these impossible requests?"_

_Five seconds later, and he completed them by summoning those through golden ripples. "There is no way that I don't have a treasure you name. Now then, become my treasure!"_

"_Yes…"_

**[Out of the flashback]**

"And that is pretty much what happened. Except that the actual wedding ring is an alloy made from Mysterium, Unobtainium, Gilgameshium, Nofakerium and Badassium. And you carry it now." So that is what the golden box is for.

At that moment, Kotomine walks up to us, and shows us our seats. Saber gets to sit in the same part as Rider and her master Reimu, Baka Assassin, that white-haired girl named Mokou… I believe, and Berserker, while me and Rin sit down in the group with Shinji, Illya, and some guy I don't know.

He has the same hairstyle and height as Kotomine, but he looks to be around my age. Maybe the priest's family? "Excuse me, but who are you?"

The guy looks at me, and a smile crosses his face. "Ah, nice to meet you. I am known as Flagarach, and I'm just a simple writer. I got invited because I made sure that Lancer would suffer. An- Oh, it seems like the wedding is about to start. Let's be quiet now."

I looked, and saw Gilgamesh and Caster stand before the altar, with Kotomine as the priest.

"Let's get this over with… Do you, Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, take Kaguya Houraisan, princess of the moon, as your wife?"Gilgamesh snorted, calling it a 'mongrelish question', before giving a very obvious yes.

"And do you, Kaguya Houraisan, princess of the moon, take Gilgamesh, King of Uruk, as your husband?"

"He proved to be capable of completing all impossible request, so yes, I do."

Kotomine then looked at me, and I understood what I had to do. I stood up, took the golden box with me, opened it, and presented the rings to the almost newlywed couple. "And now, you may present each other the rings." Both Gilgamesh and Caster took a ring, and put in on the other's ringfinger.

So, in misery, despair, suffering, illness, weakness and all other problems, will you allow me to enjoy it?" Once again, both said yes. "Then I hereby declare you wife and husband. You may kiss the bride." And with that said, a deep kiss was given between the newlywed couple.

While everyone was cheering, the white-haired girl moved towards me, and showed me a document, the legal registration for this wedding. As the witness, I had to sign the document to prove that this wedding was legal, and so I did, just like her.

I noticed that Gilgamesh was picking up his wife in bridal style, and walked out of the door. Everyone was walking out with them, throwing rice and congratulating him. He walked in front of all, stood before them, and threw Caster in a golden ripple.

"Treasure, get!"

**Caster is out of the Grail war**

"Wait, wait wait! What is this supposed to mean?"

Gilgamesh stood there, looking at us like he didn't understand what the problem is. "Mongrel! Where else but my fault would be a good place to store treasures?!" Point taken.

Rin walked in front of me, and asked an important question: "Gilgamesh, weren't we supposed to compete in the Holy Grail war?" He looked a bit out of it, before he composed himself.

"Indeed, mongrel," And out of nowhere, hundreds of noble phantasms appeared. "Gate of BABYLON!"

*flees*

**[Back to the inter-dimensional tournament, Observer POV]**

And the result of the second duel: "Who's chosen warrior dies the first in Gensokyo?" Both contestants chose a random ordinairy Touhou-loving Otaku, but in the end, it was Yukari's otaku that died first from Yuuka's Master spark before Zeltrech's otaku was Kyuu'd by Flandre!" And with this, the score is now 1-1! Let's see what the final round brings!

**[February 1****st****, Very, very far away from Kotomine Church, Emiya POV]**

We fled. The presence of the noble phantasms was great. Greater than we can beat. Luckily, everyone escaped.

"GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"

Well, everyone but that writer. I look around me. Everyone scattered, and the only other person around me is Shinji.

"Shinji, you got out all right!" He looks at me, before giving me his usual smug look: "Obviously, Shirou. What did you think of me?" He looks left and right, before giving me a question: "Say, Shirou… are you a Master in the Grail war too?"

"I am." I realize what he said. Too. This means he is just like me, a master in this grail war. "So, you are the master of that ice girl?"

Shinji looks at me with an open mouth, not realizing the huge flaw he gave, before he composed himself. "Hmm? So, it seems you have some intelligence. Come out, servant." As he said that, the ice girl appears behind him. I take a good look to remember his servant. A short girl of 4-5 feet tall, she has light-blue colored hair and eyes, with a simple dress in the same color. Behind her hover 6 shards of ice, shaped like wings. "Say, Shirou, would you want to make an alliance with me? I'm sure that our servants together could become the finalists of this war."

I think. Sure, he is a big douche and quite annoying, but he is not the type of person to kill the entire school for energy or rape Tohsaka or Sakura for his own pleasure… I hope. "Maybe, depending on what your wish is, and if you're going to get Sakura involved."

He looks at me with his normal smug smile, before he starts explaining: "Emiya, I have no evil deeds in mind. My family, the Matou, has been lacking in the ability to use magecraft. I want to use the Grail to get a good amount of magic circuits so I can restore it to its former glory."

Well, that is good to hear. "And Sakura?" He looks at me like he thinks I am stupid. It greatly offended me.

"Shirou, don't you know that only the eldest child is trained in magic? Sakura is blissfully unaware of this war, like she should be." Well, I see no reason not to ally.

"Here, let me show you the stats of my servant:"

* * *

**Servant stats:**

Servant: Nine-Ball  
Master: Matou Shinji  
True Name: Not telling you yet  
Alignment: True Neutral

**Parameters:  
**Stength: E  
Endurance: E  
Agility: C  
Mana: C  
Luck: D  
N. Phantasm: B

**Class Skills:  
**Stupidness: A  
Regeneration: B

**Persona-**

* * *

"Wait a sec."

"What is it, Shirou?"

"Well… to be honest… your servant's stats… they suck. Hard."

He became agitated, and stamped on the ground. "If your servant is so much better, than show me that girl!"

"Well, acourding to the stats, there isn't a single parameter your servant excels mine." He became even angrier, and ordered me to show my servant.

"I'm sorry, but my servant Saber is not here right now. I have to go n-" And I realized the mistake I made. His grin became wide, and he ordered his servant to kill me. So, I ran.

I ran. Ran some further, until I realized I was on top of a skyscraper. Why the hell did I flee to this place?

*Stab*

I felt an icicle pierce in my side, and it knocked me over the edge. The last thing I heard was "Goodbye, Shirou…"

I fell down. I don't want to end it here. Isn't there anything I can do? I think. I recall. I remember. The command seals. I have three of them, and I'm going to use one now: Saber, get here!

Out of nowhere, the air beneath me ripples, and Saber appears, who catches me while we land safely on the ground.

"Shirou, are you alright?" I thank Saber for her worries, and ask her help while explaining what happened. "So, we are going to face your friend and his servant… Nine-ball?"

"Indeed, Nine-ball."

"A-Anyway… I understand how important your friend is, even if they get on your nerves a lot..." Does this mean that she had such a friend? Maybe her master Yuyuk- "And, no, I didn't have such a friend, but a fight between two can increase their relationship. Shirou. I will go up there and kill Assassin without hurting Shinji, so stay here and wait for my ret-"

"No." I won't. Shinji is my friend. I will take responsibility. I will knock some sense in him, and make him stop this war.

Saber looks at me. No, she stares me in the eyes and sees. She sees all I think. My determination. My will. She accepts me, and together we climb the building.

There is no enemy seen. First floor. Second floor. Third floor. Saber focuses to sense the enemy, and finds it at the top of the building. We rush up many stairs and arrive at the roof of the building. There was Shinji, together with his servant. Shinji was sweating buckets, and ordered his servant to attack.

…

It shouldn't be surprising that that servant of Shinji got completely overwhelmed. Slash. Slash. Slash slash slash slash slash slash slash. Saber… was perfectly fine. Nine-ball... much less so.

I ran up to Shinji. He fired some shadows at me, but I dodged them all. Using the anti-magi gun I got from my dad, I shot at Shinji. It hit his arm, and he was in clear pain as the book faded away. The power of the bullet was so high, that it took Shinji with him, and… threw him off the skyscraper.

Oops.

*Splotch* Ah. And now he died from the impact. Oops. Oh well, it's not like I can't replace hi-

**Flagarach: Stop right there! I can't let Shinji die yet! We still need to make more fun of him! Redo it!**

I dodged the shadows Shinji fired at me, and when I reached him, I punched him in the face, causing him to stumble over without falling from the building. Saber was almost done, and Nine-ball became desperate.

"Take this! Icicle fall!"

A lot of Icicles were fired to the side, and bounced off an imaginary wall in the direction of Saber.

However the technique has a terrible weakness. Saber rushed forward, ready to strike. "The gap in front of you will be your downfall, Nine-ball!" However, the smug look on Nine-ball's didn't disappear:

"…normal." as she said that, five yellow orb of energy covered the gap in front of her, hitting the surprised Saber.

Did it damage her much? Only a little. Did it piss her off? Absolutely! "You… I deem you worthy of seeing my Noble phantasm…" Saber's voice was calm, but the anger behind it was clearly visible.

Her Katana begins to glow with a green light. "Rou…" She goes straight for the Nine-ball, "kanken!" and splits the other servant in two. A slash at Godspeed that can cover great distances. That is the noble phantasm, Roukanken, of my Servant Saber, Youmu Konpaku.

**Flagarach: Well, we're done for today.**

**Okita: Yeah. Anything to say to the readers?**

**Flagarach: Not really. Let's end this before I die again.**

**Okita: Okay. Until next chapte-**

**?: Not so fast.**

**Flagarach: Huh?**

**Okita: Who's there?**

**Laharl: It is I, Laharl, overlord of the Netherworld!**

**Flagarach: Oh. Hi Laharl. What brings you here?**

**Laharl: You used my name without my permission. I cannot allow that!**

**Flagarach: Fine. All rights of DisgaeabBelong to Nippon Ich-**

**Laharl: That won't do! As punishment, you will now be named Mid-Boss!**

**Etna: But we already have a villain named like that!**

**Mid-boss (Flagarach): Hi Etna. Can you get out now? I want to finish this chapter really quick, really fast.**

**Laharl: No! How could I-**

**Mid-boss: Shut up. *pushes Laharl***

**Laharl: What are you doooooiii- *Splash***

**Okita: Did you… did you just impale him?**

**Mid-boss: Oh god. Oh god. I can't believe I killed someone. It wasn't me. Not me!**

**Okita: Flagara-**

**Mid-boss: Why is it me! Who forced me into this?! AARGH!**

**Okita: Flag-**

**Mid-boss: Say, Okita, if you take the blame, I'll give you whatever you want. Please?**

**Okita: F-**

**Mid-boss: I killed someone… now I'm depressed…**

**Okita: Flagarach! Yo-**

**Mid-boss: And now I feel fine! Everyone please read the finals of the match between Yukari and Zeltrech while I destroy all evidence! About the last scene, I went live to the event with another writer, Supernova23.**

**Mid-boss: About the fight, it is an event known as Hero summoning, a fight in which two Dimension travelers use hundreds of heroes to bring the opponents live points to zero. We couldn't be there from the start, but I will tell from when we entered.**

* * *

…

"Now, I sacrafice these two heroes to summon the man of steel, Superman!"

"Not bad, Zeltrech, but you just fell into my trap card, 'Kryptonite'!

"What?"

"And now, using the 'Mecha Fusion' card, my 5 mechas on the field turn into my trump card: Tengen Toppa Gurenn Lagann! Attack!"

"Grch..." *Zeltrechs points went from 2100 to 800*

"Now, Magical Girl Madoka! Attack his life points directly to win!"

"Not so fast Yukari! I activate de-fusion, separating our Magical Girl into Madoka Kaname and Kyubey! Meaning that my Green Power Ranger is strong enough to defeat her!"

"Rrgh..." *Yukari's points fall from 1900 to 1100*

"Say, Yukari, did you notice something?"

"What are you talking about?"

"I have Cloud McStrife, Ichigo Kurosaki and Siegfried on the field. Now, I will use this field card, 'BFS'! This card increases the attack of all people wielding huge swords with 200 points per meter! Now, finish this!"

"Sorry, but I saw this coming. So, let me reveal my hidden hero, Flandre Scarlet! Because of BFS, she gets a 2000 points increase through her Leavetainn, allowing me to beat all three of your hero's at once!"

"No way!" *Zeltrech's points drop to just 100 points*

"You know, it's funny, Yukari?"

"What is?"

"Vampires have multiple weaknesses. Especially more powerful Vampires. I summon Alucard, allowing me to summon Seras Victoria from my hand! Now Attack!"

"I reveal my face-down card! Black Keys! This destroys all vampire cards on the field, making your move utterly pointless!"

"But now that you did that, Yukari, you lost your strongest card, and you're left right open! I will finish it with this one move! Go, Light Yagami! You may be weak, but when the opponent is defenseless, it can kill the enemy in a single hit!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. Don't you know me better than that? I never leave myself fully open: Trap card: "Switched notebook". This allows me to use Light Yagami's ability on you!"

"NOOOOOOO…" *Zeltrech's point drop to zero*

**Zeltrech defeated**

"Good match, Yukari! How is it going in your Gensokyo?"

"Oh, pretty well. Reimu was planning to join the Holy Grail war, but it will still take 50 years for it to happen, right?"

"Well, it's busy now..."

"Then who is taking care of Gensoky-"

*BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM*

"-o. Well, shit."

**Flagarach: Sooo, for all who were wondering where Yukari was… well, she was here. For all loopholes that I just created… blame Zeltrech and Yukari.**

**Etna: Oh Flagarach…**

**Flagarach: Etna? What are you still doing here?**

**Etna: Well, you killed the previous overlord, which means you're the new overlord! Congratulations!**

**Flagarach: Huh? Ah! HURRAY FOR MEEEEEEEE!**

…

**Flagarach: Wait a second… I'm immortal. I can't enter my country!**

**Etna: Oh well, I can always rule in your place, my king.**

**Flagarach: This… this was all your plan right?**

**Etna: Maybe…**

**Flagarach: Can I at least have some prinnies?**

**Etna: Here's your prinny squad. Ea! Kyuu!**

**Q: Here we are,**

**A: Dood!**

**Flagarach: All right, prinnies, now you serve me, Ex-overlord Flagarach the First of the Netherworld!**

**Etna: Sooo… you're giving the Netherworld to me?**

**Flagarach: Nope. May I introduce you to Yuyuko.**

**Yuyuko: Hello~**

**Flagarach: And Yuyuko, may I introduce you to your new gardeners and cooks. Who you may punish as much as you want.**

**Etna: You fuc-**

***Yuyuko grabs her new gardener and leaves.***

**Q: So, dood, that went pretty well.**

**Okita: I have to say, I'm impressed you didn't die.**

**Flagarach: Well, I am now ex-royalty, a murderer, owner of two prinnies… Anyway, goodbye, everyone!**

**A: indeed, dood!**

**Yami Yugi: Mind Crush!**

**Flagarach: AAAHHH!**

**Okita: What the heck?**

**Q: Yeah, dood, the heck?**

**Yami Yugi: He copied Yu-Gi-Oh. That is worth of a penalty game.**

**A: But he didn't do it alone, dood!**

**Q: Yeah, he did it together with Supernova23!**

**Yami Yugi: In that case, to Supernova23, Mind Crush! To the rest, have a good day.**


	4. Added chapter of a missed plot point

**Flagarach(?): Look and behold, mongrels! Your glorious I have given you another chapter that could belong next to the treasures of Uruk! Now, I order you to read, or death will be your punishment!**

**Okita: You're… not Flagarach, Gi-**

**Flagarach(?): Silence, a King is writing!**

* * *

**[February 2****nd****, Faker's Residence, Faker's POV]**

I, the faker, was once again doing my unimportant fake duties after slaying two mongrels yesterday. I saw my less-than-great servant, and realized how it was nowhere near the awesomeness of the lovely king of knights.

Deciding that this servant could never be as great as her, I made her commit suicide with my command spell before summoning the right servant.

When my Saber was resummoned, she looked at me in disdain: "How could I be summoned by the son of the man I despise? If I wanted to be in a Holy Grail war again, I would want nothing else than to be summoned by the handsome and charming Gilgamesh!" And she killed me.

…

Let me rephrase that, she killed me slowly.

…

Let me rephrase that again, she killed me so slowly that all the damage this insignificant me has done to the great Gilgamesh in the UBW route is like a scratch in comparison to this.

**[February 2nd, Einzbern Castle, Meat doll POV]**

Hai. I'm just a simple dumb meat doll who summoned a drunken dog. It would never be worthy enough to walk onto the new earth Gilgamesh-sama is going to create, so I made it kill itself, and summoned a servant worthy of him, the first hero's best friend, Enkidu.

There he stands, the second-most magnificent being in the entire world. Long light-green hair, a simple tunic, androgynous body, this is the servant Enkidu (summoned under the "Best Friend" class, for there is no other class he deserves).

I did what should be impossible, thanks to the blessings of the one and only king. As it should be, I, a simple, lowly doll, will now give my entire live to the king, for that is what someone as weak as me should do.

**[February 2nd, Kotomine Church, The one and only great King of Heroes POV]**

So, like all days, today is a great day. My wife, an immortal NEET Yamato Nadeshiko (For the unknowing mongrels, look it up), would soon be joined by my new wife, a western tsundere swordswoman who loves me a lot.

She begged me to become her Master, and I accepted. Why would I not fulfill my promise of making her my bride!

Of course, this all left me unsatisfied. There was one more goal to conquer. The last servant, Rider. As a miko, this is a must have for ANY harem that I can create! I will make it even more glorious than any manga protagonist ever had!

So, obviously, I go to Rider's hideout, beat the shit out of her mongrel master, and make her my wife. When I return to the church, my best friend Enkidu is awaiting me there, and we once again have a battle that shakes heaven and earth. After said battle, Rider (The awesome almost as Bro as I am Rider, not pinky-hair or my miko-wife), together with his master: The wimpy, but loyal, but wimpy master, whose name is unimportant, arrived.

We decide to both conquer part of the world, with a third belonging to him, a third to me, and a third for Kotomine to destroy and enjoy.

Obviously, Rider challenged me anytime. (I still win every battle, though)

However, deciding that 3 wives is not enough and I'm quite lacking the token mini-moe, I used one of the noble phantasms in my gate to change the meat doll in Kaleid/Liner Prisma Illya, a mini-moe imouto magical girl with a bro-con. And for the sake of having a good 5-man harem, I add him… her… it… Enkidu as my tomboyish childhood friend lover.

And so, I, Gilgamesh, with my 5-woman harem and a third of the world, am spending the rest of my days like a king, no, THE king.

**THE END**

Also, all games in the entire world containing that mongrel abomination of me, made by those Square Enix bastards, are burned beyond all recognition.

…

…

…

**Flagarach: I leave for two weeks and this happened? GILGAMESH!**

**Gilgamesh: Hmm? Ah, the writer. Tell, me, didn't I give it an ending worthy of a king?**

**Flagarach: NO! First, it ends way too soon, and way too abrupt! Secondly, you're breaking every rule in the existence of the Nasuverse!**

**Gilgamesh: …**

**Flagarach: Oh wait… you're the rules…**

**Gilgamesh: Obviously.**

**Flagarach: Well, I can consider this as an alternate universe if you don't kill me, okay?**

**Gilgamesh: To all reading mongrels! While the story has hereby ended, the writer has hereby decided to continue with a lesser alternative universe as the continuation story! Enjoy or die!**

**Flagarach: No need to kill viewers, Gilgamesh, that already happened last chapter… anyhow, enjoy!.. Well, unless you're the "writer" and reviewer Kizuro Shirosaki.**

**Q: What do you mean, dood?**

**Flagarach: Well, I simply don't want him to enjoy this. Maybe I should ask Angra Mainyu for help…**

**Okita: And the reason for this is…?**

**Flagarach: Because he hasn't written any stories! Go and write some before I drag you to the Tiger Dojo! **

**Okita: …**

**A: …**

**Q: …**

**Flagarach: Also, because I feel like it. It's more fun like this, right?**

**Saber: Sometimes, you're even worse than Yuyuko-sama…**

**Flagarach: Anyway enjoy as long as you're not Kizuro Shirosaki!**

* * *

**[February 2****nd****, Emiya residence, Emiya POV]**

"_Stop or I will shoot!" Another dream of my servant Saber. This time, she was flying in a bamboo maze with another girl, who was pink-haired. At this moment, the person who said said things, the ex-master of Caster, appeared. "Never mind. If I shoot, you'll move... Ah, I moved." This… makes no sense at all…_

_Skipping the pre-fighting-text with the Z-button, I went on to the last parts of text before the fight. "Okay, you shot, I moved. Now, let's start the real battle!"_

_Saber stepped in front of the pink-haired girl. "You still want to fight? You honestly think you're a match for us?"_

_Caster's ex-master ignored those words, instead pulling some octagonal shaped piece of wood. "Damn… well, there are two of you, so I get two tries!"_

_Needless to say, Saber pawned her._

Once again a night gone, and a new school week starts. The smell of breakfast appeared. I change into my school outfit, and walk towards the room. I see a smaller-than-before, yet still quite big breakfast, and Sakura and Taiga. They were greeting me, except for Fujimura, who already started eating.

Taiga was too busy eating, yet Sakura was looking at Saber in a… creepy manner. "Shirou, who is this person?"

"Didn't I say last time, the more you think about it, the less it makes sense?"

Sakura looked with angry, hollow eyes. "But Shirou, how long has she been living with you?" I replied that it had been almost a week, and then she asked Saber about her relationship with me.

"He is my master. I will protect him until all evil facing him is gone, and I will stand by his side as long as is necessary. I will follow his commands, and do as he says, no matter what he asks."

Sakura looked at me, and Sakura's aura becoming even more corrupted. "Shiiiiiroooouuu…"

Deciding that I've had enough food and scary Sakuras, I ran out of the house, towards the school.

**[February 2****nd****, Homurahara school grounds, Rin POV]**

I had made some plans today to make Emiya give up his command seals, but that has to wait for tomorrow. When I stepped inside the school, I felt the aura of the air change, like someone was setting up a bounded field.

"Tohsaka!" I looked to the entrance. I noticed Emiya, who in turn noticed the aura too. He walked to me, looking like he had to throw up before he composed himself. "Tohsaka, what is this? It feels like my will to do things is lowered, and the mana in the air is getting thick and hard to breathe in."

I thought about the situation. This is most likely the work of a servant. One of them placed this bounded field over the school, and was probably trying to suck the student's prana dry. How dare they bring innocents lives in danger!

No, I should stay calm. There are three servants left: Saber, Rider and Berserker. Since I doubt Emiya would allow Saber to do such things, and Berserker should not be capable of advanced magecraft, it is probably Rider who set this up.

I explain it to Emiya, together with the next course of action. First, we're trying to delay the activation for 5 days by destroying the magic circles setting up this field. If it is the weekend, when no one is at school, we will search for Rider, and if we can't find her, we blow up part of the school to prevent students from coming in this bounded field. Also, if we defeat Rider before the weekend, than that is acceptable too.

We enter the building, and I cannot sense the circles. Emiya, however, can. He says something about a weird sensation, and points me to the circles. When I get in the same room as a circle, I notice the same feeling. It feels like an electrifying chill on my nervous system, and I quickly walk over to the circles.

I implant prana in the circles, and they overload. We notice that it is time for the morning classes, and during lunch break, we restart our 'circle destruction activity'. Roof, Art Room, Material Arts Dojo, The abandoned classroom, and the B-… B-B-oy-…. B-B-Boys T-T-Toilet…

"Hah… This is more embarrassing than I thought. Emiya, couldn't you do this one?" Emiya looks to the ground, ashamed to look me in the eyes. Hmph, just because he admits that someone like me is much better than him doesn't mean he can't do it. I mean, it's not like he is such a bad magus, right?

"So, it seems you're blocking my plans." A voice came from behind, and we looked at the voice. Behind us was Rider… or the master... one of them, at least, in the standard school uniform. It's a shame that this is a novel, and not a VN, manga or anime, because a lot of guys would sell their blood to vampires like Lancer to see this person in a school uniform.

"Ride-"

"Reimu. I'm the master." Reimu walked a few steps forward, and was talking to us. "There are two troublesome pests here. Well, I guess it has always been my job to exterminate them."

Emiya stepped up, and was reprimanding her. "What are you talking about? You're the one setting up bounded fields like these! What is your goal?"

A small smile appeared on her face, and it gave me a bad feeling. "Well, all I want…" and she raised her hand, "is this!" She snapped her fingers, likely a cue for something to happen, and a bright light blocked our view. After a few seconds, our sight was restored, and we couldn't believe where we were. There was nature everywhere, and the prana was thicker than anywhere I've ever been. MUCH thicker.

The concrete walls of the school became bamboo, and the appearance was like that of a few centuries ago. The lay-out was the same, but it looks different. VERY different.

"Where are we?" We move forward, and as we do that, magical creatures (fairies) appear, shooting us with some slow-moving energy-spheres. I try to create a simple magic shield, but it fails! "What th-" I was pushed out of the way by Emiya, who barely dodged some of the bullets.

I tried some Gandr shots, and they luckily still worked. I hit some of the fairies, who went down with a 'Picchun~' sound. What the heck is wrong with this world?

I looked at Emiya, and he was trying to punch one of the fairies, but he didn't. No, it was like he couldn't. Like he was forbidden to punch. "Emiya, do you know anything about this?"

He looked like he was concentrating hard, trying to get information from the status screen.

"Tohsaka, she activated her Noble phantasm!" What?! I look up the info of said servant. This is the Hakurei Border: Great Boundary of Gensokyo. It forbids any non-danmaku, but it seems my Gandr somehow still works. "Emiya, do you have anything that still works?" He shaked his head, and I understood the problem. "Tell me that you have Saber with you."

He once again shaked his head, but did say that she was on her way here. We run through the hall, dodging some bullets, and shooting down the fairies with my Gandr. We enter the classroom, and we couldn't believe our sight. Fujimura-sensei got killed by one of these bullets…

**BAD END**

**Yuusha Dojo is a strange hint corner.**

**If you would like to finish this fanfic by yourself,**

**or if you would like to keep the characters' images, please be warned.**

**Do you want to enter the Dojo?**

** [Yes]**

_**[No]**_

…

…

**Flagarach: Ahem…**

**Do you want to enter the dojo?**

_**[Yes]**_

** [No]**

In the dojo, two people were standing. One was a white-haired, darkskinned boy, with a red coat and black armor. The other was a young blond girl in a blue armored dress.

"Yosh, here is your hero, Seigi no Yuusha! Together with my number one student, Glutton-chan!"

"Please don't call me that, Shir- I mean, Seigi."

**Flagarach: To those that don't know, Seigi no Yuusha means Hero of Justice.**

"Ahem? Can we continue?"

**Flagarach: Sorry, sorry…**

"Anyway, it seems you died, Fuji-nee. What went wrong?"

"Ah, Seigi, I know."

"What is it, Glutton-cha-"

"Don't call me that, I'm… AoiSaiba! Anyway, Fujimura-sensei, it seems your affection score was too low, and as such, nobody came to help you!"

"But Aoi, who should help her?"

"Hmm… well, what about that white-haired girl? I mean, you both have Fuji in the name; she likes teachers, and she is pretty strong."

"Alright, now go out and make some new friends. Also, here is Yuusha stamp 12!"

***Taigas are now gaining affection points, please wait warmly until they are done.***

**[Somewhat earlier on February 2****nd****, Homurahara School grounds, Rin POV]**

"Tohsaka, she activated her Noble phantasm!" What?! I look up the info of said servant. This is the Hakurei Border: Great Boundary of Gensokyo. It forbids any non-danmaku, but it seems my Gandr still works. "Emiya, do you have anything that still works?" He shaked his head, and I understood the problem. "Tell me that you have Saber with you."

He once again shaked his head, but did say that she was on her way here. We run through the hall, dodging some bullets, and shooting down the fairies with my Gandr. We enter the classroom, and we couldn't believe our sight. Fujimura-sensei got killed by one of these bullets…

**BAD END**

**[Tiger Dojo]**

"Hey, what is going on here?"

"Fuji-nee, please calm dow-"

"How can I calm down if you fail this hard? Your advice was useless!"

"Sigh… Can we do anything to make it right, Fujimura-sensei?"

"Hpmh, Listen to what the original Dojo Master has to say, Fak-"

"Shut up, Gilgamesh!"

…

…

"Who?"

"Nothing… we'll listen."

**[Same as before, don't want to explain]**

"Tohsaka, she activated her Noble phantasm!" What?! I look up the info of said servant. This is the Hakurei Border: Great Boundary of Gensokyo. It forbids any non-danmaku, but it seems my Gandr still works. "Emiya, do you have anything that still works?" He shaked his head, and I understood the problem. "Tell me that you have Saber with you."

He once again shaked his head, but did say that she was on her way here. We run through the hall, dodging some bullets, and shooting down the fairies with my Gandr. We enter the classroom, and we couldn't believe our sight.

A field. A field, filled with shinai. Each and every one of them is a shinai that made many students weep. Now, they serve as gravestones to the fallen teachers who got bullied out of teaching. A field, with innumeral shinai.

This… is [Unlimited… Shinai Works].

Shinai flew down on the fairies in the room, until all that was left standing was Fujimura-sensei.

"Fuji-nee!" Emiya ran down to sensei, hugging her for being alright. Sensei returned the hug in this happy reunion. He asked her how she learned such magic, and she suddenly fell unconsciousness, with USW disappearing.

"Don't worry, she won't remember this. Now then, let's go and stop Rider." I look in the direction of the voice, and I see a girl in a blue, armored dress.

"Who're you?"

The girl looks at me, before proclaiming she is just the Guardian Angel of Fujimura-sensei, named Saiba. It is at this moment that she took a good look at Emiya, and did just a blush appear on his face? "Y-You there. When this is over, will you please cook for me?" Oh, what's next? Me falling in love with Emiya?

…

Nah, there is no way that that will happen. What kind of messed up universe would that be?

At this moment, Saber crashes through the wall, both swords drawn, but sheathes them when she sees that Emiya is okay. A few nods, and the four of us continue with storming the hallways.

Emiya… was still useless, due to not having ranged magecraft. Saiba and Saber both used their weapons to fire off gusts of winds, which dealt a nice amount of damage to the opponent. "So, any idea where Rider could be?" I asked to the rest.

Emiya and Saiba shrugged, but Saber explained: "Just continue beating fairies until we see the mid-boss; then beat the mid-boss; after talking to Rider, we change the BGM, and then we can fight." It… makes it sound like it is all from some fanmade shooter game… But if it works, than hey, I'm fine with it.

So we continue beating fairies until we meet Rider. "So, we finally found you, Rid-"

Saber stops me, and explains that this is not the servant Rider. "No, this is only the mid-boss, isn't that right, Reimu?"

"Indeed, Saber… no… Youmu. So, do you think you can beat the likes of me?"

Youmu crosses both of her swords in front of her before assuming a battle formation. "There is no way a stage four boss like you can beat a stage five boss like me. Now, get out of our way, Reimu!"

Reimu laughed, before commenting how stupid Youmu's comment is. "What are you talking about? We never fought during IN. The only regret in this battle is that I am a mid-boss, and as such, can only have a maximum of 3 spellcards, and 2 non-spellcards." Does this have anything to do with that danmaku magecraft? "And it seems you have four lives left. I'll take at least two of them… [Divine Spirit: Fantasy Seal -Blink-]"

**[February 2****nd****, Shopping district, Illya POV]**

I am bored. Bored bored bored bored BORED! Where is Shirou-nii? He is supposed to come here, fall under my crippling eyes spell, and then taken to my house as my prize before I slowly kill him for getting my father's love instead of me. How dares my father abandon me for him! I will kill Shirou! Or at least play with him and make him my ever loyal familiar doll…

**[February 2****nd****, Homurahara school, Saber POV]**

We had beaten the mid-boss, and we only lost 2 lives: Rin and Saiba. And such, the two of us arrive at the roof of the building, ready to beat Rider and liberate the school.

She stands on top of the water tower, and jumps down towards us. "Youmu. How are you and your master doing? It has been very long since I have seen you. Want to solve this with a cup of tea and rice crackers?

"Are you mocking me, Reimu? We know you're to blame! You are our sixth stage boss! We will beat you, and solve this incident!"

"Stage six boss? Well, than, lets give it one hell of a lunatic blast. Six spellcards, Youmu. Can the two of you defeat it?"

I draw my swords. Her danmaku is all amulet/barrier based. She will trick me with her Fantasy Seals, but I am ready to beat her. I look how many bombs I have, and I have three bombs. Shirou should have three bombs left too (did nothing thus far), so we have two lives and a total of six bombs. "Let's do this, Reimu, no, Shrine Maiden of Paradise!"

"Let's go, Half-Phantom Gardener… [Divine Arts: Omnidirectional Demon Bindi-"

"Hold it right there!" We look to our left, and see the origin of the voice. "You poor destitute shrine maiden. To get money by killing others, I will once again put you on your right ways." It was the servant Caster, "I am that which guides all sailors in the night," She wears a sailor uniform, with pink boots, and her hair tied in two long tails. "She who does good, and brings evil to justice! I am a protector of Fuyuki, Fuyuki Moon!" And to finish this of, she goes into super sentai stance. But this doesn't bother me. Compared to sealing the earth in a pot, this is nowhere near as strange as she usually is. The true problem is something else…

Why the hell is her husband dressed in the same way?!

"Well done, Fuyuki Moon. Now, look and behold! I am the first of all heroes. No other will be allowed to become my sidekick unless I want to. You know me… as Fuyuki Gold!" And he made his po- oh god. He doesn't wear any underwear. I want to gouge my eyes out. That shiny golden dong! MY EYES!

I couldn't see for a small while, but I heard some other things: "I am she who will honor all fights and foods. With my holy sword Excalibur in hand, I am Fuyuki Lily!"

My sight returned. The one who said this was Saiba; she is not wearing her usual armor, but a much more feminine white armor. Also, no armpits. Isn't that supposed to be a 'Miko only' quality?

"This city belonged for many generations to our family, and I will not let you destroy it! Fuyuki Ruby, at your service!" And this time, ex-master Rin takes her spot… with cat ears… what's next, that teacher?

"How dare you attack this school and it students! With my Torashinai, I will defeat you!" F*ck my mouth. "Bow down before Fuyuki Tiger!" And they all ended up in a new pose, with all of them shouting the same thing:

"And together, we are the Karakura Heroes!" Wrong series, fools…

*BOOOOOOM*

And a huge explosion appeared behind them, like all Super Sentai/Magical Girls+Guy poses should have (I'm looking at you, Sailor Moon…).

"Well met, Karakura heroes. But do you really think I am alone? I too, have four people to help me: You know me and my master. Then there is also Saber and her master!" Wait what?

"We didn't agree to this!"

"Ah, take it easy… just help me, and if Shirou ever gets kidnapped by Berserker and her master, I will help you due to the lack of Archer." I don't really want to agree with it, but since the writer is glaring at me, I will accept.

"What we will do is a series of 5 duels, everyone gets to fight once. First group to win 3 duel wins the entire fight. We will decide who faces who with lottery sticks, which will also decide the order. If my group wins, you let me continue using my bounded field and scatter home…"

"And if we win," Cast- I mean, Fuyuki Moon said, "you will destroy your bounded field and step out of the Grail War!"

"Deal." And thus, we started drawing…

***People are now drawing, please wait warmly until they are done***

The results were in, and the order and opponent of everyone was now known:

**First Round: Shirou - Gold**

**Second Round: ? - Moon **

**Third Round: Reimu - Ruby**

**Fourth Round: Saber - Lily**

**Fifth Round: Rider - Tiger**

My analysis? I can live with it. First and fifth round are 'Abandoned General' matches, so rounds two to four will decide who will become the victor. My opponent is a worthy one, who can give me a good swordfight. I still don't know who ? is, but he better be a good fighter if I want to w-

Wait, what am I saying? I want Rider to lose, and then this war will be one final battle between me and Berserker! So if I lose, only Ruby or Moon has to win! All right, let's lose this battle!

**[First Round, Shirou POV]**

The first round. I'm facing the strongest of all five opponents. No. I'm facing the strongest of all the ten fighters here. There is no one here who can normally stand a chance against him.

They tell me to lose. Even Saber tells me to lose.

I am the weakest of the ten. So the best I can do is to face their strongest, so he doesn't have a victory against someone else.

But that is wrong. Very wrong.

I won't deny that I'm weak. However, I can't let that occupy my life any longer. I will become stronger, and I will beat my opponent. I will give my team the first victory.

Here I come, King of Heroes. Do you have enough blades in stock?

…

…

*5 seconds later*

"Gyaaah…"

**Shirou pawned**

…

**First Round: Shirou - Gold 0-1**

**[Second Round, Observer POV]**

"So, Fuyuki Moon, you're probably thinking who will be your opponent, right?"

"Not really."

Rider looks… shocked, and now she becomes more… Angry. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's Mokou, obviously. She is alive, has nothing to do, is my natural opponent, strong, and a completely logical choice. It would also explain why she didn't help Fukuki Tiger when she was dying. I mean who saw this NOT coming?" As she said that, all other participants nodded (except for Shirou, still unconscious.)

Rider… was getting red in her face. "T-Then, let me introduce you to my second member. Appear!"

A blinding light, and when it dimmed down, another person was standing on the roof. It is an asian man in his mid-thirties; a hat on his head, glasses on his eyes a-

"ZUN?" Indeed, the 2nd fighter on Rider's side is ZUN. Now, let's see who will win this fight:

The fight started, and it was Fuyuki Moon who made the first move, using her third impossible request, the Fire Rat's Robe. Many bullets spawn, including some fiery lasers that are aimed at Zun's body… but they miss.

Not a single bullet hits.

In this world, there are users and owners, but ZUN is neither. ZUN is not an owner or a user, but a creator. The spell Fuyuki Moon uses was created by him, and he knows the weakness of every spell. He won't be hit by her standard methods.

ZUN, however, has no attack. He has never created one for himself, but gave away all his spells to those in Gensokyo. But he needs no attack. Were this a normal fight, he would have no chance. This, however, is danmaku. It is possible to win a danmaku fight without firing a single shot. An impossible request for many, but not for ZUN. He created these requests, and knows their weaknesses and flaws.

Thus, he can win without a single attack. Swallow's Cowrie didn't work. Fire Rat's Robe didn't. Not a single spellcard of Kaguya works.

"I'm not defeated yet! You may know all my spellcards, but can you beat a completely random spellcard?" This is the only plan against the likes of ZUN. A spellcard that is fully random. There is no beauty in it. No honor. Nothing but pure will to defeat the opponent.

It is not loved, and not that strong against the residents of Gensokyo. But it is effective against ZUN. A normal Gensokyan inhabitant has a reaction speed of 0.05 seconds. ZUN reaction speed is 0.3 seconds. The question is: can he keep up?

Bullets aim for every part of his body, and he starts to get trouble with dodging. He dodges, but bullets keep coming, and they start to overwhelm him. He will no-

[Drunk sign: All the Sake in the World]

A great sea of sake floods all the bullets away. If someone like Reimu, who is 17 years old, used tens of bombs, how many do you think ZUN, who never used one in his entire live, has in store?

Only one spellcard left. That is all that stands between Zun and his victory. "ZUN, if I can't beat you with a spellcard you created, than face one you didn't create! [Impossible Request: Shining Trapezohedron]!"

Shining Trapezohedron. A spellcard created not by ZUN, but by Danmaq for Concealed the Conclusion. ZUN is nether owner, user nor is he the creator of this spell. With this spell, he is equal to normal humans.

Or at least he should be. Another drunk sign. The spell will only last for 34 more seconds, and he has enough bombs to survive. There is no way he w-

*ZUN disappears*

"What?"

"What happened?"

**Flagarach: Well, I don't have the budget to keep someone like him around. Do you understand how much it costs to hire him?**

"No, but does this mean that Fuyuki Moon wins?"

Flagarach nodded, and the score was known:

**First Round: Shirou - Gold 0-1**

**Second Round: ZUN - Moon 0-1**

**[Third Round, Ruby POV]**

For the readers that don't know, I'm actually Rin! For the readers wondering why Rin can suddenly break the fourth wall, that's because I am Kalei- I mean, Fuyuki Ruby, and not Rin! For those questioning why I call myself Rin and not Rin… well… Schrödingers cat paradox? If that doesn't make sense because it isn't enough explanation, then screw you.

Anyway, now is my time for my "Get a Servant in Three Steps" plan!  
Step 1: Kill my opponent master Reimu  
Step 2: Win the entire duel series  
Step 3: Switch sides by asking Rider to become my servant. This betrayal will make way for a possible 3-2 comeback, and Rider will be allowed to continue her activities with me as her master!

So, time for step one: kill the enemy master. Now for my "Kill the enemy master in three steps" Plan:  
Step 1: Summon Giant Neko-Arc with my magical powers  
Step 2: ?  
Step 3: Profit!

"So, in the name of the Ruby, I summon you, Neko-Arc!"

…

…

Nothing happens…

"Why is nothing happeni-" Oh wait. Noble phantasm that forbids non-danmaku attacks…

She suddenly overwhels me with great speed, slasahing a few times with her gohei. All attacks were weak, until the seventh hit came…

[Fantasy Heaven: Hakurei Hyakuretsu Ken] **{Play BGM: Mystic Oriental Love Consulation}**

Oh shi-

"You have already donated." And the whole world went purple…

**Fuyuki Ruby Dead**

**First Round: Shirou - Gold 0-1**

**Second Round: ZUN - Moon 0-1**

**Third Round: Reimu - Ruby 1-0**

**[Fourth round, Saber POV]**

My round. I don't really like the dilemma I'm in. I want to lose this fight, but if I do, I will lose my chance at a good brawl with this other swordswoman.

No. I will not let the honor of the Konpaku be stained with a fake duel. I will have a serious battle, and Yuyuko forbid what happens to Flagarach if he doesn't grant me this fight."Lily, I wish you a good battle. Can we request Rider to change this in a swordfight?"

Rider nor Lily had any problems with this.

We draw our weapons, or at least, I do. My opponent holds an invisible weapon. I don't know the range and width, but I can fight it.

The clashes start. My blades clash on hers. I still cannot see it, but if I guess correctly, than it is almost a meter long, and around 10 centimeters in width. A fierce blow pushes both of us back, into our original stances. I change into the most deadly stance one with dual swords can be: the Mu stance.

It is a terrible stance for somebody who did not master it. With both swords next to the body, you leave yourself wide open; those who mastered it are still left open, but they compensate for it, because in this stance, you can attack from any direction.

Lily's stance changes too. Originally, she held her sword like an European knight, both hands and sword close to the body. Now, she assumes a deadly stance, just like me. Both hands and sword above the head, ready to solve it with a single slash. If she misses, she will lose. But she will give it her all.

The armor on her body disappears, leaving just a dress. The prana coming from her armor is surrounding her, and in a single burst, she rushes forward, ready to strike her blade down.

I raise my Hakurouken, and prepare to slash with my Roukanken. My Roukanken has a straight path, and it WILL slice her. I just need to block this strike, and I win. I lift the Hakurouken in the path of the invisible blade.

But her hands move weird. Normally, the wrists would be the first to bend downward, so that the energy of the hit can be delivered by the arms. She however, starts with bending the arms downward, and her wrists bend upwar-

*Stab* Guh… My abdomen has been stabbed. My intestines are stabbed in half. I was foolish. She never held her sword upwards. The sword was reversed and held upside-down. A tactic that could only be done with an invisible sword, and she did it perfectly.

*Slash* But I am not done yet. I slash through her left lung, and stop closely before her heart.

"So, Lily, what do we call this? A draw?" As I speak, blood drips from my mouth, and I feel terrible. Is this how those immortals feel all the time?

"No… if we used our noble phantasms and didn't settle it in one strike, I might have won… This is your wi- *Cough*!" She coughs up blood. She might be dying, but no human, no youkai, no servant, nobody ever tricked me in a fight like this. She deserves at least a draw.

"Calm down, and let's stop this, Lily. We are equals."

"Hmph… You win… let's fight… again… sometime…" And she disappears from this world, but not before she hears my final words: "Yeah, we will…" She gave me a small smile, before she was gone with the wind…

**First Round: Shirou - Gold 0-1**

**Second Round: ZUN - Moon 0-1**

**Third Round: Reimu - Ruby 1-0**

**Fourth Round: Saber - Lily 1-0**

**[Final round, Saber POV]**

Thus far, we have a 2-2 tie, and only one round to go. The evil side (us) has a far better fighter, and theirs is the weaker one. This will probably decide the lives of many students, and there might be the possibility the opponent dies.

Being dangerously genre savvy here, I doubt we will win. Evil never wins, so this is a case of the underdog never loses. The abandoned general who turns out to be a great fighter.

Heck, I doubt I could have lost last round, because duels like these will always be decided in the very last round. Why did I even THINK I could lose, and forget about this match?

The last round is Tiger against Rider. Unlimited Shinai Works against Unlimited Miko Works. This will be a gr-

[Fantasy Heaven: Hakurei Hyakuretsu Ken]

Never mind…

*5 minutes later*

The ending was 3-2 for our side, so the Karakura Heroes disband and leave a battle: me and a still unconscious Shirou against Rider and Reimu.

"You two, now that the fight is back between us, why are you attacking the school?"

"Because it is my job." Rider nonchalantly states. Wait, what? "We were denied the fight in Ryuudou Temple and Shinto, and we almost had no chance at getting this one too! I'm not in this to have absolutely no role!"

I get it. She fights simply for that which she was not allowed to. "Rider. This is my solution. We first fight Berserker, and have a grand finale to finish this story. Deal?"

Rider's barrier disappears, and the school returns to its original form. "I did promise that I would help if your master gets kidnapped by the master of Berserker. Speaking of him, where is your master?"

I look around me, but my master is nowhere to be found. I look at the ground, and only find a card:

_Thank you for your Shirou-nii!  
He will become a great doll for me!_

_Phantom thief Prisma/Illya_

F-

**Okita: And this is where today ends.**

**Q: Hope you enjoyed it, dood!**

**?: No I didn't!**

**A: It's Rinssu!**

**Rin: And I'm pretty pissed off. Why did I die?!**

**Okita: Well, because of safety measures, he fled and left the story. I also had to tell you that only the Kaleid/Ruby part of you is dead, so you won't be a magical girl anymore.**

**Rin: But I will be alive?**

**Okita: You will.**

**Rin: In that case, goodbye, and I hope you enjoyed it… unless you're Kizuro Shirosaki! But seriously, this will only make you lose readers, Flagarach. Y-**

**Okita: Please continue with the finisher.**

**Rin: Goodbye, and please vote for me in the next Type-Moon character poll!**

**Q: There is one?**

**A: There is dude!**

**Rin: Stop bothering my perfect endi-**


	5. Seems like we have to get serious

**Flagarach: Hello ever- GYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHhhh…**

**Flagarach died**

**Q: Seems like someone went for the 'quickest author death' award...**

**Okita: Seriously, why did this happen, and who did it?**

**?: Well, that would be me.**

**A: It's you, dood!**

**Okita: Why… why are you here… Angra Mainyu?!**

**AM: Because I haven't been in the entire st- and why is my name abbreviated?!**

**Okita: Easier to write.**

**Q: Much easier, dood.**

**AM: Anyway, I completed my task of killing Flagarach…**

**A: …**

**Q: …**

**Okita: So… who is going to write the story now?**

**AM: Well, I could always do it?**

**Flagarach resurrects**

**Flagarach: No. I won't let anyone else write. Gilgamesh gave me a very good lesson why I should not let others do that!**

**AM: Who cares about that! Let me write!**

**Flagarach: Hmm… Sure, go ahead! Just try!**

**AM: All right! Audience, watch as I write the greatest story ever told!**

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

…

**AM: Hey, why can't I write anything?!**

**Flagarch: Because you're simply a fictional character in my fanfic. You can only write if I allow you to, and even in those cases it is me who is writing.**

**AM: No breaking the fourth wall! Evil frowns upon that sort of metahumor!**

**Flagarach: Breaking the fourth wall? Why do you think people are still reading this fanfic if not for that?**

**AM: But now that you said this, the jokes will never become as fun as they were, because you became medium aware...**

**Flagarch: True… so… now what?**

**AM: I have one idea that just might work: By the power of the Author, I release the curse of forgetfulness! **

**Flagarach: That is never going to w- what were we talking about again?**

**AM: I don't know, but I think I forgot everything in the 8 lines above this one…**

**Flagarach: And I forgot even more… I forgot nine lines!**

**AM: Anyway, I think I will leave: enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

**[?, Shirou POV]**

Another dream, and once again one of Saber. This Saber looks a lot younger, but her face is the same. She stands in a gigantic cherry blossom garden, and next to Saber stands an old man in green. Saber wields her two swords, albeit with much less skill than she does now. The old man wields a long, black odachi. The man trains her in the swordsmanship, and they spend an hour before stopping. The man walks towards her, and speaks his words:

"Youmu, I will leave and become a hermit. Now is your time as the new head of the Konpaku clan to serve the Saigyouji."

Saber doesn't seem to acknowledge it. Her eyes are filling with tears, and she runs to the old man. "Why, *sniff* why are you leaving us, Youki!"

The old man still stands, unmoved. "I completed my duties, and now it is time for you to begin yours. You are ready, Youmu."

*sniff* "But… but I-"

"No, Youmu. You're ready. If you weren't I wouldn't have given you hakurouken and roukanken. Become a great Gardener! The time will come when we see each other again, and then I will test you again."

I am pulled out of this dream. It's like I'm being spirited away into the sky, and the dreamer is starting to awaken. I only hear four more words:

"You promise?"

"I promise…"

I open my eyes in the real world. I am in a foreign room, on a foreign chair, and I am bound to said foreign chair.

I look around, but no one is there. I try to undo my bindings, but it doesn't work. I can't even move my arms. "Grr… I don't have time for this… I need to get out of here!"

I scout the room for useful objects, but there is not a single thing I can cut the robes that bind me with. All that happens is the opening of the door.

"Oh, you're finally awake! Good morning, onii-chan! How are you feeling?"

Ugh… This Illya looks so happy and not evil, like a normal sister would be. Well, except for the 'bind brother to a chair while he is knocked out' thing.

"Hm? What's wrong? You don't seem energetic. Are you still in a daze?"

"Shut up. I'm awake enough to talk and realize that I've been captured."

"What, dissatisfied? We usually put our captured enemies in the dungeon. But I wouldn't do that to my onii-chan, so I placed you in my room." She looks… not so pleased. I don't know if I should be happy or not. But…

"I get the situation. I have been captured and this is your place."

"Yep, and to make it even better, we're in a castle surrounded by a huge forest. Even by car, it would take three hours to come here, so rest assured, nobody will rescue you." Well, great.

"I understand, but why did you do it? If you wanted to kill me, you could have done that many times now."

"But I don't want to kill you." She doesn't want to kill me. She will kill all other masters and servants, but I am her 'special' thing, and she won't kill me. She *gulp* sits on my legs, and I automatically lean back.

"Illya, please get off." My heartbeat is getting faster, and she feels so… alive on my legs. Why? She's not even a heroine!

"Hey, you're really special. Would you want to become my servant? I won't have to kill you then, and we can all live happily ever after. Just nod if you want to!" She says it in a fawning voice. So pure. So innocent. If I nod, I will never be able to take it back. And if I betray her, I will turn all her purity into anger and hatred. However…

"I won't. I will not become yours, and I will never, ever go down to Tiger Dojo 7."

She looks at me angrily. "Shirou, how do you know it will lead to Tiger Dojo 7 if you've never been there?"

"I haven't, but Flagarach's first bad end in Tiger Dojo was the second bad ending!"

…

"And what does that have to do with this situation?"

"Well, his fifth bad ending was Tiger Dojo 7, and he got that if I had nodded back then!"

"5 from the first 7 deaths in one playthrough?.. That's… kind of terrible…"

"Don't tell me about it. I think that even I can make better choices than h-"

**Flagarach: Stop talking about me and return to the 'angry Illya being angry at Shirou scene'!**

"Well… we can't. Onii-chan and I first need to rebuild the fourth wall before we can get serious… onii-chan, I'll leave now to kill Rider and Saber. Maybe then you'll regret your choice." And she leaves the room.

"So… say, Flagarach, how many deaths did you get when you were seriously trying to beat the Fate route without dying?"

**Flagarach: Shut up and just escape, wannabe hero… *Flagarach is now ignoring Shirou***

Anyway… I was trying to move, but I notice that some sort of spell prevented me from doing so. However, it is a spell. Just like mud can be cleaned with water, this spell can be cleaned with my own prana.

"Trace on." I cast a spell to suggest myself. It doesn't do anything, but the words help the magi to use the divine mystery they're going to cast.

"Basic structure, analysed." My body becomes a pump for magical energy, letting it flow like the rest of my circulation.

"Composition, analysed." I don't need to push any switches. I just let the energy flow in my body.

My body gets warm. My heartbeat rises, and I try to control it. "Guh!" Blood spits from my mouth, like some vein or artery inside my body just popped.

But it worked. I'm now free from any sort of mud inside my body, and my body moves as I want it to do.

"Alright, now just the rope remains." I struggle a bit with the rope, and I'm free. Apparently, Illya fails at making knots…

I get up from the chair, but I immediately start to feel dizzy. My movement is too violent. I may not have any wounds, but magic is still freely coursing through my body. Simple movement causes me to be pummeled from inside…

My legs are senseless, and I start to feel some nausea. At this rate, I won't even leave this castle!

No. to think like that is too faint-hearted. I will get out a-

Footsteps. And a few of them too.

Shit. Seems like a patrol is coming around right now! They are talking, and it is not before long that these footsteps stop moving… in front of the door.

I can't fight them in my condition. I return to the chair, and pretend to be bound.

The door opens. Who is it? Illya? Someone else from the castle?

"Are you alright, Shirou?" Saber? I'm stunned. I'm starting to wonder if this is some illusion. "You're tied up." and she drew her short sword, Hakurouken, "Here, let me cut that for you."

"Thank you, Saber, but that won't be necessary." I showed her that I already freed myself, and explained why I did it. She is impressed that I thought of such a thing, but to be honest, I would not know what to do afterwards…

"Anyway, Saber, why are you here?" I think, and I realize how stupid such conversation between master and servant must be… "I mean, isn't this Illya's hideout?"

"I'm sorry. I was careless, and I let you get captured…"

"It doesn't matter. Thanks for saving me." Saber blushes because of the compliment, and say that it should be normal between friends. All that is left now is to escape with Sabe-

Do I see Tohsaka standing there? "You seem to be doing better than expected. Did we really need to come?"

"Well, he is the kind of person that doesn't die when they're killed…" Oh, and Rider and her master are here too… Anyway,

"Objection! People die when they're killed! Even I die when I'm killed!"

"Yes, Rider. You have no right to insult Shirou's memes!"

"Heh, so you act like this now that Emiya is safe, Youmu? Emiya is like this, and you're the same. Well, we have to fight someday, so it will be better if we have no leftover feelings."

"…" Saber has nothing to say. It seems like Rider hit a sore spot.

"Anyway, Emiya, you do remember the situation we're in?" I get back on track, and remember that I'm currently in enemy territory. We need to escape as quickly as possible.

We run. We run as quickly as we can, and we finally made it to the hall.

"Everyone, we're almost there!"We run down, and we almost made it to the door when…

"Oh, you're leaving already?" Illyasviel. "Good evening. I'm so glad you could come. Now, let's not forget to have one final dance for you."

We stand still, and we couldn't believe how our escape got foiled. "Oh? Why are you not moving? I was planning to give you a few minutes in advance, to make this a better hunt… but it isn't needed, I see. Now, let us have a fine dance. Berserker!"

From the ceiling, Berserker dropped down, drunkness still visible on her face. "I hereby swear: I will not let anyone escape today!"

Rider moves forwards. "Rider…"

"Emiya. Youmu. Tohsaka. Master. Please, escape while I hold him back."

"Why? We have all the servants left in the grail war in one place! We can beat her together!"

"Hmph, I don't want people with such a positive attitude in this battle." And she turns to Berserker. "Berserker. You cannot pass. I am Reimu Hakurei, head and owner of the Hakurei shrine. You're drunk gathering did not work when we were alive, and they certainly won't work now. I will guarantee you one thing: YOU! SHALL! NOT! PASS!"

"Reimu, Emiya, Saber, let's get out of here!" And Tohsaka runs, just like Reimu. Saber asks me to go too, and I plan to go, but not before Rider says something to me:

"Emiya Shirou. Get this straight. You are not one who fights. You're one who creates. Throw irrelevant things away. There is only one thing you can do. Master that one thing!" She draws a gohei and needles, and gets into her stance. "Never forget this Emiya: The things you imagine are your strongest form. You have no external enemies. The only enemy you have is your own image. Now go!"

She destroys the ceiling with her needles, creating a wall between me and the fight. I run. It is the only thing I can do now.

**[February 2****nd****, Einzbern Castle, Rider POV]**

"Oh? Sacrificing yourself for the rest? How noble of you… but do you really think you stand a chance?"

"Stand a chance?" I laughed. Laughed like there was no tomorrow. "If I couldn't beat a single oni, what kind of terrible shrine maiden would I be? Let me return the question: Can your servant stand a chance against me?"

Illya became angry, and she stamped on the ground. "Y-y-you!" She pointed at me, and while she did that, her body glowed purple from power. In response, Suika glowed purple too. "Berserker! Don't play around and kill her!"

With a drunken roar, Suika lashed at me, ready to kill me. I dodge the incoming gourd, but am not capable of hitting her in this situation. Sigh… I wonder if she remembers the good old days.

"Let me*hic* kill yoooouuuuu…" Nope. Probably not. I dodge a few more strikes, before I see an opening. I throw some amulets I had hidden in my sleeve, but they don't seem to do that much.

No. It's worse. she ignored them. And next was her swing that almost left me without a head. Thank myself that I don't own any hitboxes there…

While her attack missed, I had another opening, and decided to use it for my own good. I may not have anything like a master spark, but that doesn't mean I have no good attacks! "Fantasy Seal!"

Fantasy Seal. An attack that shoots 7 orbs of light at the opponent, and can be considered a bomb in duels. Now, it is plainly used to kill Suika. I jumped back, ready to see results.

But there were none. There was only the direct hit, but the other six were taken by clones of herself, made by changes in her own density.

"Tsk. Seems like you won't be so easy this time…" Suika's master has a gleeful smile on her face: "Hmph! What do you think now, Rider, you weak," !

"poor," ! !

"and underdeveloped" ! ! ! "girl…"

"Ha… Hahaha… Do I hear team pettanko call me underdeveloped?" That bitch of a master in front of me pissed me really off… I really want to vent out my anger now, and there is only one way to do that: [Hax Sign: Burn Everything].

Burn, baby, burn… I hope there will be nothing left of you, Berserker, this castle, or anything that hints at your existence… washboard master…

**[February 2****nd**** (or third, depending on how far the night has gone on),Einzbern forest, Shirou POV]**

After a long time of fleeing, our group splitted in two. Reimu went one way, and the other three of us another.

Then, the three of us ran some more, until it was night, and we stopped so we could rest in this conveniently placed abandoned house.

"You got to wonder why the Einzbern place a house here in the middle of nowhere."

"Well, they build castles in the middle of nowhere, so why not houses?" That's not exactly my point, Tohsaka…

Even with all that transpired, we went in, ready to spend the night. But not before: "All right, ladies, know what time it is?" Both Tohsaka and Saber look puzzled at me, wondering what the hell I'm talking about.

"3 am?"

"Sleeping time?"

"Nope! It's obligatory H-scene time!" Yes! Thank Nasu that he included these in an otherwise very deadly, very painful war. I mean, put your hand up if you would take over my place as the MC of a grail war without H-scenes.

…

Put your hand down, dear reader. You won't become the MC that way.

"Anyway, Tohsaka, Saber, following the Fate script, Saber should be out of prana now and it can only be restored by a good threesome on this conveniently still standing bed! Saber! Tohsaka! H-squad are go!"

"Shirou?"

"Yes Tohsaka?" Rin grabs something from her pocket, and they turn to be... (I hope condoms!)

Jewels? "Tohsaka, those won't stop you from being pregnant, y'know."

"They wil: they will kill you, and you won't make me pregnant." Her smile is incredibly scar- and did Saber just draw her swords? And why are the reader's hands still up?

"Waitwaitwait! Listen to me! Don't blame me; blame Nasu for making this the only way I can give her prana! And doesn't she need prana now because of my terrible magi abilities (Which Flagarach totally forgot to mention in chapter 2… that moron…)? So let's do it!"

"Shirou, look at your arm."

I look at m- oh my god the command seals are gone! How? Who? Why? "Who stole my command sea-" Stupid question. I glare at Tohsaka, who triumphantly holds her arm with two command seals in the air, making them visible for the naked eye.

"You see, Shirou, you won't need to do those things to Saber anymore, because I am her master now." B- "And if you're wondering how I did it, blame Zeltrech."

"Or Yukari," Saber added. "or plot convenience… or anti-H-scene convenience."

No. I can't let it end here. I will fulfill our dream! "Saber! Tohsaka! Think of the readers! We have to make them happy! Sure, they may be ugly closet perverts reading a lot of Touhou H-doujinshi, but they are still in the 'everyone' of 'make everyone happy'! For their sake, we have to give them a beautiful description of this night, so they can get off on this! Saber! Tohsaka! I can't do this without you!"

"No." Both utter it at the same time.

"No?"

"Simply no. First, you insult all the readers of this comic," Blame Flagarach…

**Flagarach:** **Blame Shirou…**

On second thought, can't we just blame Zeltrech or Yukari like usual?

**Flagarach: OK, let's do that...**

"Wait a sec, Flagarach, if I give you this traced sword, will you grant me the H-scene?"

**Flagarach: Don't you have at least a traced Excalibur?**

"I can give you a traced bow!"

**Flagarach: Traced Rho Aias.**

"Traced bow AND traced arrows!"

**[Meanwhile, with Rin and Saber (Who conveniently pulled two chairs and tea out of nowhere)]**

"Say, Tohsaka, is he doing what I think he is?"

"You mean, begging and bribing the author to get laid?"

"Yeah."

"He does. I think he deserves a title for 'Most desperate virgin hero of all time'. How the hell did he get on the 12th spot in the popularity contest?"

"Did he commit fraud or is this another power of anime MC's?"

"I seriously don't know. But it doesn't matter. He won't beat me and my fourth place!"

"Fourth place? Like a certain stage 2 boss would say: I'm jealous." Rin tilts her head, not knowing what she meant.

"8th place…"

Rin hugged her servant, who cried in her face. "Don't worry, don't worry, you're higher than Gilgamesh (9th)… Keep fighting and get on the podium!"

**[Back to Shirou…]**

"So, we keep it at a traced Kanshou AND a traced Bakuya?"

At this moment, both Saber and Tohsaka stood up, took off their clothes, and went over to me, pushing me onto the bed and stripping me. "Don't forget to give Flagarach what you promised, Emiya... But let's have a nice threesome now…"

"Yes, Shirou. Please make love with me…"

…

"How do you do that?" They look at me with odd faces:

"You don't know? Even through you wanted this so badly?" I nod.

"Please teach me: How do I replenish your prana with this ritual?"

Saber blushes, but straightens herself and faces me. "Shirou. I'm only going to say this once, so listen well: Shirou! P-P-Put your… thingy… pOnOs… to my… my… vagOOO… and J… J-Jam it in!"

…

"You lost me…"

The look at me awkwardly. "This is going to be one long, long night…"

*One long, long night later, the third of february*

"Wait a minute! Where is the H-scene?! Why was it skipped?! Don't you want to make all the readers happy? This was my only chance in the Fate route… and you ruined it!"

For some reason, I felt like I had a good time, even though it was never written. This is because the laws of history eating, according to some were-hakutaku I don't know, are: If the history is never exactly written, then nobody remembers how the history exactly went.

I also felt a loss of energy, like I traced a pair of Chinese twin swords which then disappeared into that cheapshot's hands… And lastly, I feel compelled to look at the conveniently placed table, which had three notes on it:

_When I was entering, trying to kill you, I saw you do… t-that with Rin and Saber! You ecchi harem onii-san! Next time we meet, you will be dead! With no sex!_

Illya, probably. But in this situation, she is completely unimportant. Next note:

_We have taped this and we are going to blackmail you._

_Not the beautiful Yukari and the all-powerful Zeltrech_

Damn you, whoever you are but Yukari or Zeltrech. Damn you! At least sell me a copy of it!

_To who reads this,_

_The reason I didn't write the sex scene is because I suck at them even more than Nasu._

…

Forget what I just said, praise the Lord Flagarach didn't make the H-scene…

I look at Tohsaka and Saber, who are still sleeping. I also look out of the window, and notice Illya and Berserker?

They point at me, before showing a big billboard with the words 'five more minutes until we attack, onii-chan!' painted on them.

I run over to Tohsaka and Saber, wake them up, force them to put their clothes on, and we run outside.

"Onii-chan! How could you keep me waiting?" I could. I mean, I did it, right? "Anyway, it doesn't matter. You three are going to die now. Kill them, Berserker!"

Another confrontation between the swordswoman and the berserker. Saber aims for the vital spots, but they are all blocked by Berserker, who doesn't seem to be pushing Saber around. Does this mean that Saber stands a chance?

Sword and Gourd clash, and they are equal. The sword doesn't hit the mad warrior, and the gourd does not crash in the fighter.

There is no balance, and a single disruption can cause the battle to shift. In that case…

"Tohsaka, use a command s-" But before I can finish, Illya interrupts and snaps her fingers.

At her sign, two more berserkers appear?!

They got us. We forgot to set a trap ourselves, and we got trapped instead. I see Tohsaka use 4 of her jewels, and they manage to hit one of the Berserkers, who then dissolves into mist.

I have no such attacks available, and roll to the side to dodge the first attack of Berserker. I succeed, and barely dodge the enemy attack while increasing my grazing points with one.

I pick up a wooden stick from the ground, and reinforce it into a simple shortsword. I take it in my hands, and trusted it right through Berserker.

No. There is something wrong with that. I am a normal magus. My opponent is a servant. I should not be able to get a clean hit. I look at the sword. It didn't pierce my enemy. There was simply no piece of my opponent in said spot. All it did was bringing me closer to my opponent, who used it.

I got slammed into a tree, pierced through it, and then pierce through three more. My body is broken and in shambles. I lack the strength to stand up. I notice Berserker standing in front of me, ready to kill me. Am I…

No. I will not die here, and I see salvation in the corners of my eyes. Saber disengages, and stands between me and Berserker.

"Suika! This is a battle between servants! Face me!"

I look to the two masters. Rin looks ready to face Illya, but Illya merely laughs. "Go all out, Berserker!"

I look to Berserker. She splits. Splits again, and again, and again, until there are 16… 18… 20 Berserkers standing.

"So, you can withstand 3, Berserkers, it seems. Can you stop 20?" Her mischievous smile is unfitting for this situation. I look at Saber. She is ready to give it her all, and brandishes her Roukanken.

But she shouldn't. Roukanken cannot defeat them now. There is only one way to beat them.

… By the way, this part is getting serious. Go get your music player and play some Emiya for an epic finish of this fight.

Done? Good, now let's continue:

I am not a fighter. I create.

_Judge the concept of creation…_

There is only one thing I create.

_Hypothesize the basic structure…_

Throw irrelevant thoughts away.

_Duplicate the composition material…_

The only thing that can stop me is my own willpower.

_Imitate the skill of the maker…._

But there is no willpower stopping me.

_Sympathize with the experience of its growth…._

Trigger off.

_Reproduce the accumulated years…_

I will create the sword that will promise our victory…

_Excel every manufacturing process…_

And now all that needs to be done is to…

_Create the weapon!_

"Trace on!"

I create the blade I had only once seen in my dreams. The completion of Sabers swordsmanship. A black odachi, belonging to Saber's teacher.

The sword is complete. Saber, Illya and Tohsaka look at my, dumbfounded. To believe that someone like me, a magus, is capable of creating Noble Phantasms is stupid, because it should be impossible. But it wasn't. I went beyond it and kicked reason to the curb.

"Saber, use this!" I throw the blade to her, which she catches. To do this, she has to release her old weapons, Roukanken and Hakurouken. She trusts me fully, and our power together will beat Berserker!

"To think I would see this sword again… ah… it doesn't matter."And she turns to the Berserkers. "Berserker! I have now thrown away may old problems, and together with him, I accepted my new path of protecting those I hold dear. For my friends in the past, and my friends here now, let me show you the unused style of the Konpaku, and the last movement of the half-ghosts!" Her black blade glows a yellow color, and Saber glows golden as well.

"Take this! Goshirouken!"

*Slash*

*Slashslashslash*

*Slashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslashslash*

It was incredible. There weren't a few slashes. There were tens, no, hundreds of them!

The Berserkers tried many things. Some tried to escape, but they got slashed. Some tried to block and parry, but they got slashed too. The rest tried to kill the attacker, and while they moved forward, they got cuts, but they didn't stop. Some faded from existence, But the others did not stop. They moved forward, until there was only one left. She raised her gourd to hit, but it was of no use. The gourd got slashed in two, and Berserker was next.

The attack finished, and the results were in: Saber destroyed 19 of the Berserkers, and the last one was only standing due to willpower.

"Ahh… looks like I'm sober now…" She looks at the blade, and faces Saber in the eye. "Not bad, Youmu. If you had used this during the gathering incident I created, you would have easily solved it…"

"This was a good fight, Suika. I am sure the other oni must be proud of you." Her words were comforting the servant, and she smiled for the last time.

"Seems like I'm going back to drinking sake in the throne of heroes…" And with those last words, her body gives in and crumbles into dust.

It was over. It was finally over. Berserker was finally defeated. Tohsaka showed signs of relief.

"No… no way…" Illya's face, however showed shock. "Berserker… was defeated?"

"No… no… NO! Berrrrserrrkerrrrrr! Whaaaa!" And she started to cry. It is no wonder. She lost her most trusted one. If she didn't try to kill me, I would almost feel sorry for her.

The crying continues. I cannot let this continue. I move towards my sister, but she looks frightened at me.

It is logical. I defeated an enemy master. They are normally killed by their opponents, so they won't make a contract with other servants.

"Don't get near me!" And she runs away at a surprisingly fast rate. I run after her. I can't let her be like this. Saber asks me if she should chase her, but I decline. "This is my sister. I and only I can do this."

She understands my intentions, and lends me her second cloud half. I jump on it, and ask her to follow after me with her master.

I fly over the trees, to the castle. I have no idea how many hours I have flown, but it feels like only a few minutes. I can see the castle well now. It looks incredibly burned-down, I can only imagine the battle between Berserker and Rider here. I still see no Illya, but I sense her in the direction of the castle.

*KRCHHG*

A screech. A screech of the soul. It's Illya, and something is happening with her. I fly even faster, just to get there earlier.

I rush through the burned down doors of the castle, and I enter the hall.

I cannot believe what I see. In front of me is Illya: A hole in her lung, and blood streaming through her eyes. Her clothes and hair are burnt, and her left arm is twisted in a disgusting manner. "ILLYA!"

Illya turns her head to me. "Onii-san? is that you? I cannot see you, so tell me it is really you."

I hug her. Hug her like this is the last moment I can hug her. "Hush, Illya, hush. I'm here. Who did this to you?"

"It… was…"

"No need for you to introduce me, former master and enemy."

I look in the direction of the voice. A girl with raven wings, long black hair, and green-white attire in standing on the top of the staircase. "Archer…"

**Flagarach: And that's all, folks! We end it with a big cliffhanger!**

**Okita: Well, I think that we have a few things to explain today, right?**

**Flagarach: Indeed. Let's start with the character popularity polls. There were polls of both Type-Moon and Touhou for who are the most popular characters. Results of the latest polls are down below:**

**Type-Moon:  
**1. Saber (F/SN)  
2. Shiki Ryougi (KnK)  
3. Archer (F/SN)  
4. Rin Tohsaka (F/SN)  
5. Arcueid Brunestud (Tsukihime)  
6. Rider (F/Z)  
7. Aoko Aozaki (MTnY)  
8. Sakura Matou (F/SN)  
9. Gilgamesh (F/SN)  
10. Alice Kuonji (MTnY)

**Touhou:  
**1. Reimu Hakurei  
2. Alice Margatroid  
3. Sakuya Izayoi  
4. Remilia Scarlet  
5. Marisa Kirisame  
6. Flandre Scarlet  
7. Yuuka Kazami  
8. Youmu Konpaku  
9. Aya Shimemaru  
10. Satori Komeji

**Flagarach: In my opinion, Gil is two places too low, and Yuuka a few places too high.**

**Okita: But let consider the fact that both Flandre AND Yuuka are in the top ten…**

**Flagarach: Soo… does this mean Touhou fans are sadists?**

**Okita: More like lunatics, if we follow the games…**

**Flagarach: Anyhow, on to the second subject, the Goshirouken. The name has two meanings: The easy to spot is the 'Go Shirou Sword', which is the simple pun, but its real meaning is 'Honorable Teacher's Tower Sword'. The reason it is an odachi (long Japanese blade) is because we already have a wakizashi (Short Japanese blade) and a katana (average Japanese blade). Its ability is "200 Slashes in one Yoyana", which makes 200 slashes at godspeed.**

**Okita: And the yellow color?**

**Flagarach: Well, it is reminiscent of another blade of promised victory, and blades look more awesome if they glow…**

**Okita: Indeed they do.**

**Flagarach: …**

**Okita: …**

**Flagarach: Now what?**

**Okita: I don't know… Shouldn't you get attacked any minute now?**

**Flagarach: By who? I haven't made anybody angry this time… well, but the now-dead Berserker and the greatly damaged Illya. And every reader of this fanfic...**

**Okita: Also, I must say, this is one of the few times I saw you writing seriously? What happened?**

**Flagarach: Well, a certain reviewer want to see a more serious fanfiction, so rejoice, pltrgst! your wish has been granted with the final battle between Saber and Berserker!**

**Okita: We leave the Fate Route, and we start to follow the events of UBW, so expect a Shirou vs Gilgamesh and Saber vs Caster soon.**

**Flagarach: Well, that is it, I guess. Unless I go and annoy a certain video game character… hmm… who should I annoy…**

**?: There is no need for that…**

**Flagarach: Who is it?**

**?: It is…**

**Yuuka: me…**

**Flagarach: Oh, miss Yuuka, what are you doing here?**

**Yuuka: I'm here to show the world how beautiful the annihilation of love is. Would you like to feel it too, mister Flagarach? **

**Flagarach: So, this time I die by double spark? Meh, could be worse. Let's get this over with.**

**Yuuka: I'm so glad you understand. Now, feel my love: [Loving Heart: Double Spark]**

**Flagarach: It's so lovelyyyyy…**

**Q: Flagarach died!**

**A: You aren't human, dood!"**

**Yuuka: I'm a youkai…**

**A: Ah…**

**Yuuka: Anyway, I'm leaving. Until later.**

**Okita: Goodbye.**

**Q: Until later, dood.**

**A: Byessu!**

**Flagarach: Until next time!**

**Okita: Flagarach?**

**A: You're alive?**

**Flagarach: Meh, sparks aren't what they used to be. Resurrection made it a lot faster to get back on track.**

**Yuuka: In that case, would you like a different type of annihilation?**

**Flagarach: No. I've died once because of you and your creepy smile, but I won't die twice! Watch my newest weapons, Kanshou and Bakuya!**

**Q: …**

**A: …**

**Yuuka: What Kanshou and Bakuya?**

**Flagarach: Hey, what happened to my traced weapons?**

**Okita: Well, they were traced. Gaia destroyed them very quickly…**

**Flagarach: So…**

**Okita: You shouldn't bargain with traced weapons.**

**Flagarach: D'Oh!**

**Yuuka: Ahem…**

**Flagarach: *Sniff*Go ahead and do your thing. Just kill me already…**

**Yuuka: I'm not going to kill you…**

**Flagarach: Really? Hurray!**

**Yuuka: I'm going to beat my 'most bullets shot through a person before he dies' record. It's currently at 1139. Will you break it?**

**Flagarach: Well, f*ck…**

…

…

…

_The rest of this chapter has been cancelled due to technical difficulties._


	6. I'll think of a good title next time

**Flagarach: Hello everyone, welcome back to a new chapter of 'What If:', where Berserker is dead, Illya heavily wounded, and Archer made her return!**

**Okita: So, what does this say about the servants in this war?**

**Flagarach: Well, Saber, Archer and Rider are still fighting for the Grail; Caster became the bride of Gilgamesh, who is doing whatever he wants. The other three servants, Lancer, Nine-ball and Berserker, are dead.**

**Q: Can we trust you this time, dood?**

**Flagarach: Well, Gil might want the grail himself, soo… for the most part, yes. Maybe one or two things will differ, but this is mainly true.**

**A: Anyway, what is the punchline for this intro?**

**Flagarach: Well…**

**Q: Tell it, dood!**

**Flagarach: I don't have any ideas right now... Can't we wait until we are at least halfway done with this story?**

**Okita/Q/A: No.**

**Flagarach: Aw… in that case… let's get ourselves a visitor! Let the wheel of fortune spin, so we can see who will become the visitor this chapter!**

***Wheels are now spinning, please wait warmly until they are done***

**Flagarach: And the results are in… the visitor this time… is… Kotomine Kirei!**

**Kirei: Why am I here?**

**Flagarach: Well, you were drawn as the visitor of this chapter after Gil and Angra Mainyu, so rejoic- *stab***

**Kirei: Did I give you permission to use my own memes?**

**Flagarach: Sorry Kirei…**

**Kirei: Good. Now then, skipping the unnecessary joke part… Rejoice, readers, for another chapter filled with misery and despair has arrived! Now, go and suffer!**

…

**Kirei: Why is this chapter not starting yet?**

**Flagarach: Because I forgot to say something…**

**Kirei: Hurry up and say it before I stab you with more black keys…**

**Flagarach: Ahaha… Anyhow, this chapter is a lot more serious than the previous chapters. For those that will find it too serious, like reviewer Muhammad Izzat Awwal, next chapter will be one big omake full of jokes, jokes, and more jokes (with a small plot line, of course…)! So I hope you will still enjoy this chapter (that still contains jokes…). Enjoy!**

* * *

**[February 3****rd****, Einzbern Castle, Shirou POV]**

"Archer…" There she was. Servant Archer, standing on top of the staircase.

"Seems like you're doing well, Shirou. Now, please move away, I have unfinished business with that former master."

"I won't let you." In this greatly destroyed castle, I will protect Illya. I was never able to save anyone and make anybody happy. But now, I will at least save Illya. I will save my sister! And Archer, I won't let you do anything to her!

"Oh. And do your friends say the same?" I look behind me. An immobile Saber and Tohsaka, who are dazedly looking at Archer.

"A… Archer? Why are you still alive?" Tohsaka asks to her ex-servant.

"Say, _ex-master_, did you betray me for that girl there? And don't give me that sorry look, _ex-master_, at least say what you did." There is heavy emphasis on the word 'ex-master', like it should strike a nerve.

And it did.

"Yes… Yes Archer, I betrayed you."With pain in both heart and words, Tohsaka says the truth. She betrayed her own servant for a seemingly stronger one. Archer looks somewhat happy about the admission.

"Don't worry, Rin. It did help me too. When I was not under your command, I learned a few things." Rin, however, was still questioning why she is still alive after losing her contract. "Rin, I simply had to steal some prana from humans. That former ex-master would've been a great prey for me, considering the amount of prana she has." Inhumane. That is all I have to say about this. I don't know what caused it, but it wasn't for the better. "Anyway, Rin, I finally found out who I am, what I couldn't figure out with you restraining me."

"So, you finally figured out that you're Houyi, right?" Tohsaka asks.

Saber corrects Rin: "Nah, this is just Utsuho Reiuji. Can we skip this and go to the fighting scene?

"No… I am Emiya Shirou from the future!"

"WHAT?!"

"No… no way! I mean, you're a girl, have raven wings, have a more fragile build, a different type of hair, and you're a ditz! How do you explain that?"

"Overextensive use of magecraft, overextensive use of magecraft, overextensive use of magecraft, dying my hair and overextensive use of magecraft." Tohsaka still looks shocked, just like Saber.

"But your magecraft is completely different! You use nuclear arm cannons! He creates swords!"

"No, he created nuclear swords…" As she said that, a copy of Saber's sword, the Hakurouken, appeared in Archer's hands. "You… might want to check everyone who came near those swords for radiation cancer… including yourself…"

"No way that that is true. What proof do you have?!" And it is at this moment that she shows us her reasoning: the TYPE-MOON wiki.

"It is stated here very clearly that the Archer of the fifth Holy Grail war is Emiya Shirou from the future, just like how it states that I am cynical and nihilistic, which explains why the readers will find me OOC in this chapter. We are one and the same, Emiya Shirou."

"That is ridiculous, Archer, just because something created by non-magi says it doesn't m-"

"Stop it, Tohsaka." Yes. The one on the staircase. She is Heroic Spirit Emiya. The future me, who perfected her skills and made his ideal come true. I totally believe her.

For some reason, I have the feeling everyone is staring at me in disbelief…

She looks down from the top of the staircase, with nobody surrounding her. "Archer, why are you here?" No. This question is stupid. "Forget what I just said. Archer, what are you going to do with Tohsaka and Saber?"

"They won't intervene with us, am I right, Rin, Saber? That girl needs treatment now, and she can't be treated here." Saber understands this, and she takes Illya and Tohsaka with her.

"Good, now that we are alone, we can finally finish this."

"Yeah. But why do you want to kill me? Are you not the hero I wanted to become?"

"I became a guardian of this planet."'A superhero. Someone who will not harm anyone. Someone who will not retreat whatever disaster he may face, someone who can save everyone, and what I wanted to become. And… that woman… I… became such a person? "Indeed, I helped many people. And I thought it was fine. I made many ideals come true, and I gave all my energy to the world. I became what I dreamed of for so long… a hero."

"Then didn't you become my ideal?! Aren't you a successful me?"

"Success? All this gave me was regret and dead." Her voice is a lot colder since last time. She found out about her future, and she desperately hates me for it.

Or she simply acts like the wiki told her.

"Some people despaired while I made others happy. Some people died while I saved others. In the end, I was betrayed many times for my ideal. I cannot save everyone. I cannot help everyone. Why don't you understand it, you birdbrain?" She summons her arm rod. "I don't want to save everyone. I just wanted to see those in front of me with smiles on their faces." Yes. That is me. This is my wish, and the results of my wish.

"There are always more people on this world than people who can be happy. There is always someone who is sacrificed, blamed, or destroyed. A superhero can only save those he sides with. I cannot make everyone happy without bringing despair to those in the dark. I am simply someone with a convenient fantasy. That is Shirou Emiya. Isn't that someone who should die?"

No. "Then why didn't you sacrifice yourself as the one who must feel despair? That way, you can still be the superhero you wished for!"

"I did get sacrificed. I was blamed for all those who suffered because of my help. I tried to help the entire world, but the entire world betrayed me. I gave my happiness for the greater good, and the greater good destroyed them together with me. In the end, I even became a guardian to save more people, but it didn't work. I was still left with betrayal and murder. I couldn't save anyone. I just destroyed human lives! It was wrong. This is not what I wished for. This is not what we wished for!"

What stands in front of me is a worn-out person. Someone who got betrayed over and over by those she wanted to save, and had to look at the ugly world she tried to help. And she started to hate them. She started to hate these persons who betrayed, and she started to hate herself for her ideals.

"Even in death, I was blamed, and I couldn't fulfill my ideals. I was left with regret, even in death. And I can't even stop my job as a guardian. Except for one way."

Her eyes fill with the content to kill. You cannot kill a guardian forever. A guardian is nothing to start with, and you cannot kill nothingness.

But, you can make her disappear. By killing her past self before she becomes a guardian.

"You are my only hope for stopping my existence. So, I will show you how worthless your ideals are, and I will kill you where you stand!"

I step towards her, and she steps towards me. I have only one question left. "Archer. Do you regret it? Do you regret your actions?"

"Of course. I… no, you should never have become a superhero."

"I see. Then we are two different people."

"Unyu?"

"I will never regret my path. No matter what may happen. So… I will never approve of you. If you say you're my ideal, I will destroy such an incorrect ideal with my own hands, Utsuho Reiuji! You. You're not me, and you'll never be!"

"Yes… I'm a shadow… your true sel-"

"Archer, stop making jokes of a franchise some of the readers might not even have heard of. We were trying to have a serious battle here."

"Ahahahahaaa… sorry… let's rebuild the fourth wall right now…"

*Fourth walls are now rebuilding. Please wait warmly until they are done*

"I will never regret my path. No matter what may happen. So… I will never approve of you. If you say you're my ideal, I will destroy such an incorrect ideal with my own hands, Utsuho Reiuji! You. You're not me, and you'll never be!"

This is how I have been living 'til now. I've always thought I was right. Sure, it may be full of false courage and distortion, and I've lost more than I gained… But that is all the more reason why. I cannot withdraw for the sake of what I've lost. I walk forward, creating the same arm cannon as she wields.

"That way of thinking is the cause of all of this. There will be a time you reach me!"

"There won't be such a time. It will never come."

"Oh? Does that mean you will die before that happens?"

I take another step forward, eyes filled with determination. "It seems you understand. To fight me is to compete in nuclear fusion." And her arm cannon appears ready too.

I step forward again. The rubble crunches under my feet, and it is the signal for our fight. "Will you be able to keep up with my fusion? If you lose your precision, your fusion will become worthless, and you will die!"

The opposing arm cannons swing through the air. The same bullets fly at each other. The same techniques are used. We use the same attacks, but I get wounded the more we fight.

My bullet is the same as hers. However, mine gets absorbed by hers, and is coming to pierce me. "Haa-urgh!" It hits me in the stomach. I try to twist out of its way, but it still pierces me.

I aim my arm cannon at her, and fire another blast. She swings her arm cannon at said blast, and it get destroyed.

"Did you think our bullets were equal? Your fusion is imprecise and impure. At this rate, you cannot even hope to be a stage 2 boss!" She aims at my head, ready to fire more bullets. I dodge, and fire the same bullets back.

"Guh!" A headache that burns my eyes everytime I attack or block. Is it because of the contradiction of two Emiya Shirous? My eyeballs go numb. Every time I shoot, everytime I block, I am attacked by a blinding flash.

I cannot match her. My eyes go red. But it doesn't matter. My body is already broken. Compared to the wound in my stomach, my eyes are nothing. But these headaches continue as long as I draw her abilities.

"You should be near your limit." She looks at me, and shakes her head. "I showed you THAT, and you still don't get it." Her voice contains disappointment, but I don't care. I have to do something about this headache that gets worse!

She raises her arm cannon, ready to shoot a sun. "You are nothing but a weak me. You never stood a chance!" I raised my arm cannon, but it gets destroyed by hers, like a hammer, that numbs my body. I just feel IT flowing into me…

* * *

**Servant Stats:**

Servant: Archer  
Master: None  
True name: Shirou Emiya, also known as Utsuho Reiuji  
Alignment: True neutral

**Parameters:  
**Strength: C  
Endurance: C  
Agility: B  
Mana: B  
Luck: E  
N. Phantasms: ?

**Class Skills:  
**Independent Action: C  
Magic Resistance: C

**Personal Skills:  
**Birdbrained: - (B)  
Lowers the intelligence of the servant in question. Due to a command spell from Rin Tohsaka, this skill doesn't function anymore.  
Danmaku Magecraft: C-  
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. Because Archer's danmaku comes from her ability to use normal magecraft, it is less variable than that of other Gensokyan residents, and focuses more on raw power.  
Divinity: C  
Due to absorbing the Divine Beast Yatagarasu in her life so she could get more power to save people, a part of the Yatagarasu's divinity was passed on to Archer.  
Magecraft: C-  
The ability to use modern-day magecraft. Archer is capable of using orthodox thaumaturgy.

**Noble Phantasms:  
**As of yet unknown.

* * *

**[February 3****rd****, Streets of Fuyuki, Gilgamesh POV]**

I was walking on the streets, ready to bring my awesome plan into fruition. I was now picking up my first item, and I got it with great ease:

'_You got a Shinji. It is rather useless in this state, and he will most likely stay that way. If you equip him, press the corresponding button to throw him and do one point of damage, while the Shinji gets damaged and humiliated.'_

I guess this is a new low for whatever I picked up from the ground, and I doubt it will become any lower… That mongrel better be useful when I throw him…

**[February 3****rd****, ?, Shirou POV]**

IT still flows into me. What I see… is scarier… than my pain.

This is her memory. This is her reason for changing. I see bits of her past.

Vanity. Falsehood. Trickery. Betrayal.

Those are what she saw the most.

_-I have lived my live for others_

But she did not care. To protect her ideal, she endured it, and left what she lost, all for this one ideal.

Even if she was betrayed, she would think there was a next time, as long as she didn't betray himself.

_-There are no ideals of myself, and no values to exist for_

She was a machine to others. A convenient existence, who was conveniently used. A simple tool.

The tool wanted to follow its own beliefs, so it accepted its role as a tool.

_-I created and dissolved many times  
-Fusing together, splitting apart_

It is an ideal she can't speak of.

The more she kills, the more she saves, the less she can speak of it.

Her only hope is to obstinately cling onto said ideal.

And it only showed her… That her dreams, her ideals, they're just nonsense, dreamed by a stupid fool. Ideals, that not Emiya Shirou, nor anyone else, could ever hope to accomplish.

_-I gave my all for humanity, and it betrayed me in return_

**Do you see? This is her end. This is your end.**

My mind gives in. I won't feel compassion, but I can't help but wonder if I'm going down the same path.

_-I am never understood, so I keep creating pointless energy_

What I believe in. What he believed in. it is a fantasy, covered with lies, but sti-

***!CAUTION! !CAUTION!***

I wake up from the memories, and see a beam coming right for my heart.

I recreated my arm cannon, and shoot out the same beam as she does.

The beams crash together, forming a big blast of energy.

What did I just see? No, forget all of it. I have one enemy in front of me. I have to give it my all to defeat her!

"It seems like you get stronger by using more of my own abilities. Then my nuclear fusion shouldn't be the only thing you got from me. Seeing your nasty face, I guess I'm right."

No… don't say it! Don't let me recall it! "It's all true, Shirou Emiya!" She moves away, shooting many times at me. I dodge, block and cover. She uses many techniques, and I copy each and every one of them.

But it doesn't help. My first tries cannot beat her mastered spells. I get pierced many times.

I fall, and land with my back on the rubble.

*Splash*

"Gyuk!" My blood colors the rubble red.

My body is almost dead, both from inside and outside.

"This is it. You're a mindless imitation, imprisoned by a stupid ideal. Do you understand that that is all you are?" I look at my body: it's pretty bad that there are wounds I can pierce a fist through. "There is no value in your life. I'm sure of it. You're nothing more than a fake." My body, my circuits, they're all broken, but I can still continue to fight.

I have to get up, and I have to defeat her!

"It's useless. I am your ideal. You cannot match that."

I focus the last of my will. "Trace, off." My nerves scream in pain, and my body destroys itself from the inside. "Fusion, on."

I reinforce my arm cannon and attack. Attack until I have no energy left.

Archer takes her arm cannon, and attacks without retreating. "I see. It's only natural for you not to accept me. Shirou Emiya must not accept me more than anyone." She pissed me off. Her tone, her stance, her very existence; it all pisses me off.

I attack with all my energy. She doesn't dodge my attacks, but she downright destroys them.

I'm pushed back. The difference is way too obvious. I cannot win with pure strength alone.

"Say, do you really want to become a superhero?"

For an instant, my mind blanks out from this surprise attack. "What? I don't want to become one, I will become one!" We glare at each other, and fire some more bullets.

"Yeah, you just have to become a superhero. It's the only emotion you have. Something that you cannot betray or deny." She flies backwards while shooting a chain of fused bullets. "Even if that emotion isn't yours to begin with!"

Not mine… I deny the words before I even start thinking about their meaning. I can't let her finish. I can't let these words dawn in my mind. Otherwise, the foundation of my existence will crumble.

"So… you do have a vague idea of it." That bastard. "Oh no, it seems like you knew, but just denied it."

"Stop it!" I don't want to know it. I know that I shouldn't want to know. But I must know. I must know the contradiction that is me. The answer to what is wrong with me.

"I still remember it. The flames I saw. The burnt corpses I smelled. My request for help, and how I felt when it was granted. And most of all, I remember the look of relief on Kiritsugu's face when he rescued me."

Yeah… I was saved that time. And dad's happiness. That… is what I found so beautiful.

"You never felt guilty for being the only one saved. You just admired Kiritsugu! You wanted to become like him because he looked so happy when he saved himself!"

She's right. I wasn't saved. Kiritsugu was. He drastically searched for a survivor of the disaster he created, and I gave him that miracle. I knew this already. But I don't care. It was enough for me that he saved me.

"It's normal for a kid to admire his parents, but in your case, it was a curse. Because that admiration is all there is in you!"

I made a promise. I promised to finish his unfinished dream. From then, that day when I promised to fulfill his dream, from that day on… I had to become a superhero.

"You're just imitating Kiritsugu's ideals, and his idea of what is right." I grit my teeth, and try to resist my mind, which gives in to his words. "A superhero? Get serious. You say you want to help people. You say it all the time. All based of a wish of a man who cannot help anyone!"

She attacks with bullets even larger than before, fueled with the power of her words. My mind gives in to it, and I accept my death, just like ten years ago. The bullets heads straight for me, lacking the elegance danmaku should have, just fueled with her own power and beliefs.

I raise my arm cannon in a last effort to block his attack. The cannon shatters in one blow. The arm inside the cannon breaks, and the body said arm is attached to flings into the wall.

I'm dead.

I'm on the verge of dead from the first blow. She just has to fire a second time, and I will be dead. My mind gives in…

Yet my body doesn't. It keeps telling me that I'm wrong, that I shouldn't give in, that I have to get up, and that I have to fight.

I raise my head. My eyes don't work. All I see is the memories of my enemy. I see her, desperately trying to live, cursing herself every time she has to attack someone.

"Yes! I loved it! I loved his desire, because it was beautiful!" More lines of bullets. I recreate my weapon, but it gets destroyed in less than five seconds. "But that feeling isn't mine! What can that be but hypocrisy!?"

There are almost no bullets of me left, and those that are are desperately trying to keep me alive. My heart hurts, but not because of her attacks. It hurts because of her words.

"I kept trying to help! I couldn't even realize the pain of how wrong I was!" She keeps denying her wishes. My heart gives up under her words. My body gives up under her attacks.

But this body keeps going, denying her words.

"But it's fake. I'm a fake! This hypocrisy cannot save anyone. Heck, first of all, I don't even know who I should save!" Another of her bullets smashes me away.

"Gyaa-!"It hurts. It hurts a lot. But I stand my ground. If I fall down, I will never stand up again. So my body won't let me fall, and I endure all of her attack. "Ah... ge-ck…" I trust my arm cannon in the ground and lean on it to keep myself standing. My body tries to fall, and I cannot stand right anymore. "Haa, haa, haa…" I use my weapon as a cane, and I hold myself up with my arms.

I must look pitiful. It must look like I'm kneeling down and begging him.

"That ideal is a failure. To think that everyone else is more important than you are; that is nothing more than a happy fantasy. If you cannot live without this ideal, then die with it."

My weapon, all that keeps me standing, is on the verge of breaking, and when that happens, I will fall to my death. In contrast, Archer doesn't even have a scratch on her.

This match is decided.

No, this match was decided from the start. There is no way I can defeat Heroic Spirit Emiya.

…

Wait… that is a mistake. If there was simply a large gap between our powers, this match would not have ended like this. It was my mind. My mind lost to hers. My mind realized that I am wrong, and that she is right. THAT was my only failure. Because…

"Shut up…"

"Unyu?"

…my body tells me I will not lose to you.

I don't know why power streams in my body everytime he calls my ideals fake.

"Shut up, you annoying bird…!"

I'll reach it. I'll definitely reach my dream. If parts of me are broken, then I'll reach it with the parts that still function. If everything is broken, then I'll reach it with the parts that I don't have, but I will reach it! If my body hasn't lost yet, I will use whatever part I haven't used yet!

For a few milliseconds, I see that lonely Archer again, who was betrayed by all she tried to help.

I am not her. I cannot understand her. But I can use her pain as a lesson.

Her words… those that describe her own life in a poem she created… I don't understand them; but I will accept them in your place.

"I'll reach it. The better side of your dream, I'll reach it, Archer! _I have lived my life for others…_"

**[February 3****rd****, Hospital, Rin POV]**

"Hah…" We succeeded. I managed to use my magecraft to keep Illya alive, and Saber's noble phantasm managed to transport us here in only an hour. She was now in a stable condition, and resting in one of the hospital beds. I, together with Saber, checked our bodies for possible metastases, due to those swords Emiya created. Luckily, there doesn't seem to be anything wrong with the both of us.

"Rin, we are finally done here. Let's get back to Shirou."

No. "We cannot leave her defenseless here." I don't want to be responsible for killing people.

Saber has a smile on her face, one that would reassure most people. But not me. "There are many people capable of healing her. Besides, what could" Is she going to say that? "possibly" She is going to say it! "go"

"Stop it, Saber!"

"wrong?"

Argh, she finished! "Saber! Don't you understand that there will always happen something bad after those words are said?"

"What are you talking about, Rin? What would happen? Will Gilgamesh suddenly appear and rip Illya's heart out?

Gilgamesh suddenly appears and rips Illya's heart out.

"What did I tell you, Saber?!" Anyway, we have a heartless murderer who rips out little girls' heart in front of us. What is that madman thinking?

_Meanwhile, in Gilgamesh's mind:_

_You got a Heart Container! Your maximum life energy is increased with one heart, and your hearts are refilled._

_Of course, you can combine it with a Shinji to create a monstrous tumor grail that will destroy the world! Have fun!_

So that is what that Goldie is thinking…

**[Back to the Einzbern Castle, Archer POV]**

"_I have lived my life for others…_"

"You…" Unbelievable. This boy, no, this past me, he still has the strength to oppose me?

Tsk. My life is a failure. But that cannot be changed. His ideal is a dream. A dream that cannot save him, and cannot save me.

He readies his arm rod. "I will not lose here, Archer. I don't mind losing to someone. But I cannot lose to myself!"

He charges once again, with strength greater than before.

It is unbelievable. His body is dying. I broke his fingers, pierced his lungs, singed his flesh, and he doesn't realize it.

He attacks me with mediocre strength, and he moves at a snail's pace. It's unskilled. It's frantic. But it is more powerful than any hit that came before it.

His patterns have changed too. They cannot be called danmaku. It's crazy. Our bullets crash against each other, dissolving like matter and anti-matter.

Those bullets… they represent his ideals. They show his beliefs. His stupid dream. The impossible. And… that… that is going to beat me?

I look at him. He continues to attack. His body will not be able to attack again if he stops. I have to get serious. I fire two gigantic bullets, which can both be called artificial suns, and make them melt together, with him in the center.

These attacks should change him into nothingness. But they don't. My attack, intended to kill him and his beliefs, was destroyed by two of his attacks.

We… are equal.

No.

That is idiotic.

I have spent my entire life, and I saw my own demise. When I discovered my ability, I used it to give energy to the world. With my nuclear fission and fusion, I would save many people, and make the faces around me smile.

That guy aims again, and our shots fuse together, creating a battle vacuum between us.

His ideals cannot be achieved. This guy has no idea what lies in wait for him if he continues.

My power that could help others was deemed uncontrollable, dangerous, and deadly, and I caused many protests. But I continued.

There were ramps like Fukushima, which caused thousands to die and millions to agonize. I was blamed and hunted for it as the cause. But I continued.

I went to Gensokyo, the Land of Fantasy, where all fantasy could be realized, except for mine. But I continued.

I had to work in hell just so I could make people happy. But I continued.

The Gods who oversaw my work simply used me as a tool. The humans I wanted to help deemed me dangerous and beat me up. The youkai, those I considered my friends, they betrayed me, and hunted me along with the humans. But I continued.

Even after death, I worked as a guardian, helping people, or so I thought. My powers destroyed Chernobyl and Hiroshima, it caused World War 3, and in the end, I was abandoned for the power of anti-matter. But I continued.

I hoped to make anyone happy, but I couldn't. I tried to save, but the more I tried, the more I failed. But I continued.

And this person in front of me… he is going to beat me with his fake ideals that know no loss or pain yet!

…

No… this is the last spark of a dead man. Everytime he attacks, he loses his breath, and he has to reassure himself before attacking again.

There is no power left in him. He is dying. So why can he attack with near-infinite power?

"…isn't…" He mutters subconsciously, like he tries to deny all logic, all reason, all fate, and all that stands between him.

"It isn't…" His body is driven by his will to save others. His will to prove the superiority of his ideals is all that keeps him going.

Whatever I say, it won't change anything. His ears stopped working, and even if they didn't, his mind would block them out of his thought. His mouth is weak, yet his attacks are strong.

He is covered in blood. If I retreat, he will fall and die. Even firing a single bullet should cause him great pain, and he fires tens of them.

He gets on my nerves. He was that the entire fight, but never as much as now.

I get on my own nerves too. I should simply retreat from this battle, but I don't. His attacks. To turn your back on them is a shame, and to not graze them is a disgrace.

It should be over. He is at his limits. He should not be able to fire more than 20 bullets.

"Tsk." No. That was a foolish idea. In the time I thought that, he shot hundreds of times.

He will not stop. He will not fall.

That guy's arms should tear off already, and his life-force should stop existing.

"…it isn't…" He will not stop.

"It isn't…!" His denial. Him continuously trying to follow his ideal. That is why he shoots. That is why he fights me, his future that tries to stop him.

His rod is filled with what he believes in, and what he will believe in.

He keeps challenging an ideal that lacks any victory or meaning. The same mistake I never wanted to make and I detest.

So why?

Why do I want to see if he can continue his ideals? Why do I want to see him succeed, even if it is impossible?

Argh! I've had enough of it! "Disappear!"

I have to take this seriously. I block all attacks, and plan to destroy him for good.

I aim, launching a laser that should obliterate his heart.

But he reflects it. He, who couldn't even survive my playing, now easily reflects my blow.

It's impossible. He reflected my attack, and added his own power to the attack.

I try to move, but notice that I awkwardly bent my left leg, preventing me from running. I can only barely duck to the ground to cover, and leave myself open to even the most novice gunner.

His arm rod is charged, and ready to fire at me.

I look in his eyes. Faults, lies, shaking off everything, running without stopping…

"It isn't a mistake!"

Those words, along with his laser, are pierced into my chest. leaving a gaping hole in my body… and my will to fight his ideals.

We don't move. He uses whatever part of his body that still works to support himself. I stand still. I concede defeat. And he recognizes it.

"Looks like I win, Archer."

"Yep… and I lost."

…

For these few seconds, which seemed to last an eternity, nothing moved. I couldn't hear my own breathing. I didn't hear his. All I felt was that his ideals won't stop, and that they triumphed every part of my own will and ideals.

"Heh… maybe you will fulfill your dreams and become a true superhero."

"Not maybe. I will become a true superhero."

"Your optimism really keeps shining, right? Now I really want to see you become a real superhero."

"So…"

"Shirou… I want to stay by your side and prevent you from becoming me."

"So…"

"Would you want me as your servant, master?"

"Aren't you going to die soon, _my_ _servant_?"

"Says the almost dead master."

…

So here we stand. Two dead men, doing all they can to stay alive, with nobody around them in a three hour traveling distance…

…

…

…

"How in the former hell are we going to get back alive?"

**Q: And here we end it, dood.**

**A: So, we hope everyone enjoyed this chapter. Say, where are Okita and Flagarach?**

**Q: Hospital, being checked for possible radiation cancer… dood.**

**A: So… who will finish this chapter?**

**Q: Well…**

**?: Mwahahaha! Be honored, weaklings, for I, Gilgamesh, will take up that job!**

**Q: …he does…**

**Gilgamesh: So, we had a petty duel between two mongrels, and now they die. A fitting end for those weaklings.**

**Q: Be a little nicer, do-**

**Gilgamesh: Do I truly hear this penguin doll trying to correct me? Your arrogance will be your undoing! Gate of Babylon!**

**Q: GYAAAAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSUUuuuu…**

**A: You killed Q! You bas- I mean, you glorious bastard, dood…**

**Gilgamesh: It seems there is at least some intelligence found with these things. So, as your reward, I will not kill you here.**

**A: Hurray?**

**Gilgamesh: So, we will see in the next chapter how I will rule over those that will survive the destruction that the monstrous grail created. That is all for toda-**

**?: HOLD IT!**

**Gilgamesh: Who dares to interrupt me?!**

**Flagarach: The author of this story interrupt- you killed my prinny!**

**Gilgamesh: And who cares about that? And where is that fake Saber girl?**

**Flagarach: I care about my prinnies! … And Saber is currently in the hospital. Apparently, the traced twin swords Shirou gave me gave her skin cancer.**

**Gilgamesh: Hmph, how fitting for her.**

**Flagarach: … Anyway, it seems that Shirou and Archer are about to die.**

**Gilgamesh: And do I look like I care?**

**Flagarach: Well, do you want to use some of your healing items to heal them?**

**Gilgamesh: No. I didn't expect you to be that stupid, mongrel.**

**Flagarach: And since I am out of money, I cannot help them either. Therefore, I ask for your help, dear reader. When you review this chapter, please donate some sort of healing potion, so that Archer and Shirou can continue living. I don't care if it is a potion, a monomate, an apple gel, a health pack or whatever, as long as it heals them!**

**Gilgamesh: And I will personally see to it that everyone who donates before the start of chapter 7 is allowed to decide a way in which Flagarach will die in chapter 8.**

**Flagarach: I don't agree with tha-**

**Gilgamesh: *Glare***

**Flagarach: Sigh… so, please leave a healing item and a way for me to die in the reviews. This offer only counts until chapter 7 comes out, so if you want to see me die in a painful or grueling way, do it quickly.**

**Gilgamesh: That is all. All readers are dismissed!**

**Flagarach: Wait… didn't we miss something?**

**Gilgamesh: Hmm… Ah, I remember now! *kills Flagarach with a weapon from Gate of Babylon* I almost forgot to kill you! Anyway, now you are dismissed, so continue with your insignificant lives!**


End file.
